Blah for 11/12/2010 [Myself, birthdays, and stumbleupon]

It dawned on me just now that the post prior this is equally self-centred as the rest of this blog. I was this - I was that - I am blah bah blah sheeesh blah, and that. MEEEEEEEE.......

Don't get me wrong. The idea of telling parts of my life's story isn't bad. In fact, much has been said in this blog about who I am/was. It's the frequency of doing it that makes me a little sick now. How poor can that be - I'm sick and tired of me own stuff, pfft. I don't want to talk about myself anymore, but, errr, I don't have any other news to share neither. And that's what the problem is - I want to get this little psuedoworld going as part of my fresh-new-start-blah but I don't have enough coins in hand. Bad news, I sure have a couple, but this is not the right place to rant about them.

Now I think I am ranting again. Sorry.

Btw, It's my father's birthday on the 14'th - just a little info for you to digest. I miss him. I think my life would have been better if he's still alive. That I'd be better in making choices and in setting my priorities if he was around during the critical moments of my life. My life is a total bullets (bs), though, I am now on the process of pulling myself back together. Pfft...I better stop now before this turns again into another emoish-blah.

It was my yougest sister's birthday last Nov. 9, geee - I forgot to mention it here. Until now I feel bad that I wasn't able to contribute anything on her birthday. I'm sorry, panget.

Oh (insert-yellow-light-bulb-here) - i got something to share! Just the other day, I stumble upon this website called stumbleupon. Go check it! (Note: Don't laugh if you've been introduced to that site a long time ago. Please understand I only learned to use the computer last month and that site is completely new to me.) It is pretty useful especially during idle moments, when one has nothing better to do. The site allows its registered users to pull up random websites related to the interests they marked during the account set-up. I found some cool websites, and they're just soooo effing cool I'd rather not share them here. Go try it!

What else, errr, I guess that's it for today. Let's call this a post. Byerts! XD

A SHORT STORY

Once upon a time, a strangely hungry family went out to celebrate the mother's birthday. They sure ate a lot....

But the mother was not satisfied...

and so were her children....

so the brilliant man of the family thought of something.... (dyaran!!!)

He bought a big bowl of Halo-halo. "Dessert for everyone!", he said.

But ended up consuming it by himself.

Tsk tsk tsk... THE END.

Wait!!! That's not how the story ended! The brilliant man didn't eat the gigantic serving of halo-halo alone for chrisake! He ate just half of it. Teeee heee! XD

Went out with my family (minus one - the eldest left early for work, and a soul - Dad, who prolly was with us for all we know ) this afternoon to celebrate our mom's birthday. Just a simple celebration, as usual. This year, we went to Max's at Festival Mall in Alabang. I think we were at Gilligans in Trinoma the other year. Anyways, we arrived in the restaurant a few minutes before 5pm, which made us a bit early for their "Chicken-all-you-can" promo, which starts at 6pm. It's tempting, because you get to have as much "sarap-to-the-bones" Max's chicken for only 165 Php (listen, I wasn't paid to do this, and I'm not promoting it in any way, ok). But it's my mom's birthday, so it's not really the right time to spend reluctantly.  Sky is the langit, I mean, the limit! - sagot ni Ate Be! Haha! I honestly don't like the promo anyway - it sounded to me like "cholesterol-all-you-can".

Then...

Tik-ti-la-ok!!! What the crock is that??? Everybody turned their heads to the direction where the sound was coming from. It was somewhere at the corner of the restaurant to my right...where two ladies were seated. I looked around and saw everyone with the what-the-fuck-is-that-clucking-stupid-chicken-all-about face, while the two ladies had the "no-no-no-it-wasn't-us" look. Hahaha... The speaker was on the ceiling atop the table where the two ladies where seated. We initially thought it's a promo similar to what they used to have, and that they're going to give each table a special dessert or sort of. But we were wrong. The clucking chicken was their signal for the start of the "chicken-all-you-can" promo. I could have gotten what it was had I known the time was 6pm.

It was a very simple celebration, but it was fun. Us going out together rarely happens. Looking forward to the next one. XD

[Insert Pre-Birthday-Post Title here] :-)

I'm still alive.

Just surviving. A few hours more and I am officially another year older. Thank Gawd.

I am currently looking for a job. Ok...I haven't really been looking for a job, but I am waiting to get one. How it is going to happen is something...well, I do not know. I want to leave it all to fate. Afterall it is my birthday tomorrow! Good old fate might be nice enough to deliver a perfect job right at my doorstep, teee heee! Come on fate, I am waiting! Wait till all the stars under my zodiac signs are in their perfect locations...wait till the lucky astroligical bodies are aligned... wait till my body and spirit and desires are in sync...yaddah yaddah blah blah... Since I am again entering the call whoring business, I want to make sure that I get into a company I really want to be a part of. I do not enjoy working in this business, so I might as well choose a company that I really like to give myself a little consolation. I just hope they give me a call soon, puhleeeze... as I don't have money anymore. All my financial resources are gone and I am now, what you call, errrr, broke. You see, It is my birthday tomorrow and I am broke. How sad can that be? Working in a call centre is such a drag for me, but then again it is the only decent high paying job I can do. At least it gives me something to support my needs and my family's. Yes...call whoring business...arrghh...my body is sick and tired of it, but I've no better choice at the moment, so I'm sticking with it... for now.

You see, I've been blathering in this blog about my desire of finishing my Mechanical Engineering degree in Mapua but I have not done a thing about it since I stopped from schooling. I admit I need some parental guidance sometimes...maybe a little spanking too. I don't want to study and work at the same time so don't tell me to do just that. I am not that intelligent, ok. What I want to do is work, earn and save more than enough money, then go back to college. Now please tell me to walk my talk! Leaving college wasn't really my fault. It was a very tough time for my family when my father got sick a long time ago, so I willingly gave up my studies temporarily (which now looks permanently). Yes, it wasn't my fault, but I understand it is my responsibility, which, I had been trying to brush off my shoulder. A responsibility that I had been hoping someone in the family would take care of. I'm over that hopeful thinking, and am now taking full responsibility of it. Becoming an engineer was my dream when I was young, but things have changed now. It isn't a dream anymore. It's now, I think, just an option. The best option. Truth is, I really woudn't want to become an engineer now if I enjoy working as a call centre whore, and if titles and diploma do not matter. (This will be a short rant of an undergrad, pfft. Bite me) Why do titles and diploma matter in the first place? It's just a fucking piece of recycled paper. Why do local companies require their applicants to have a college degree when most international call whoring businesses don't? I don't get it. An undergrad can be hired by IBM, Convergys, HSBC, and by an international online research company and get paid very good, but can't get into a high-paying "local company"? Compare the odds. If an undergrad got the brains and talents and the desire, who the hell are they to tell him he's not worthy of a high paying 10am-6pm job? Who the fuck are they to tell him that they're smarter and have more value than him just because they have that fucking piece of laminated paper tucked in their sleeves and he doesn't? Ok, I kept on typing him when I meant I. I tried applying in a company sometime last 2007 and got rejected just because I didn't finish my degree. Did that ever happen to you? If not, you're lucky. According to statistics, 73 percent, of college freshmen, either drops out of college before reaching the senior year, or gets a different course and finishes it elsewhere where tuition is lower. They all want a degree so they can land a good job, preferably outside the country. And our moron government, instead of creating more jobs in the country, encourages its people even more to go and work as slaves abroad! I cannot blame our people if they want to. Who wouldn't, if salary is high and they were given the chance? Even I want to get the hell out of the country, for good. I wrote in my previous post about some "what if's" if fate and the powerful force of the universe chose the Philippines to be the most powerful country in the world and not America. Just imagine the Philippines outsourcing its jobs to the US and getting Americans to work as call centre agents for Filipino-owned companies, and forcing them to speak Tagalog in a neutral accent. Haha. Wouldn't that be great? XD

I'm thinking it might be better for me to just leave my desire of becoming an engineer. Quit jumping from one call centre to another and concentrate on becoming a professional telephone whore. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be an engineer. Maybe I was only placed by the universe in Mapua for a few years to help the future engineers pass their subjects by copying on me during exams. It's nice to work at night anyway, and I've been told many times I have the potential and talent to succeed in the call whoring business, so why am I wasting it? (Ooopss... Oh my Gawd, why am I saying these? Didn't I hate this job?)

I loathe the call whoring business, but I'm afraid my adolescent dream of becoming an engineer, or even just graduating, is slowly becoming a thing in the past. Pfft. A friend told me I have to make up my mind and decide and be serious with life before I get older. The climb is getting tougher each day. So, to the kind-hearted and well-off individuals out there who want to help me go back to college, you may leave a comment with your contact details so we can discuss how you can help me finish my Mechanical Engineering degree and be an engineer. Just think of it as a birthday gift for this talented young guy. LOL.

Pre-birthday cake dala ni Ate Nanz. Ubos to bago pa ako mag-birthday, haha.

AFTERWORD:

I'm jobless, I'm broke, but I'm happy. It's actually fun doing nothing! Well, it gets a little boring sometimes but the overall experience of bumming is still great (come on convince yourself more Raf). This is a pre-birthday post so I'm supposed to be happy. Hooray! XD

Don't Cha Try To Define Me Own Life

Pfffft...

Yeah. I was really feeling bad a few moments ago. My day did not end well. I've gone thru a bit of argument with a friend. I'm ok now. Better. I believe I am nice, but sometimes I can't help myself but be bitchy especially when people try to define my own life... stuff like, "you have a lot of unresolved issues in your life" or "i know you better than you know yourself" and the sort of. Arrgghh... I hate it. I appreciate the comments and the criticisms, but would appreciate it more had they done it in a more positive and uplifting way. And I hate being compared to other people! Tell me my bad sides but never compare me to anyone...please oh please! I know harsh words really drill deeper in heads, but those words will not do me any good at present time - cos I don't feel like entertaining any flying fucking comments about my life right now. Yeah... Just for now, give me the right to refuse to listen. Let me take care of me own life.

Nuff of sad news.

Dyaran!

Good news... It's my mom's birthday! :-) Yeahey!!! And today is her 51'st birthday (10 years ago, LOL). Naku baka magalit si mommy pinagkalat ko pa dito edad nya, harhar.

I'm just sad about the fact that it's her birthday and I am broke. I have not gotten my first salary yet. Sucks. Ooppss... by the way... I already accepted another job offer. And as their Mantra says, they're "The Best Place to Bank" and "The Best Place to Work." Hmmmm....Ok, enough teasing. I'm with HSBC now. Teee heee!

I don't know what they plan to do today. Maybe we'll just have a special dinner outside, I dunno. I'm the one who usually suggests stuff like this when something needs to be celebrated. But I have nothing to spend so I am reserving them, my siblings, the privilege to decide on what to do for my mother's birthday. I am excited. :-) Weeee...

Welll, I'm still in the process of getting myself together. At the rate I am doing, I'm sure it would take me a lot of time to recover. But I am trying to take small steps each day. A gradual process for self-recovery. I can say I am ok right now, but not really good. A big part is still missing. Pffft...

But hey, it's mom's Bday! Better forget about all those blues for now! Yeahah!!!

[Insert-Super-Happy-Birthday-Blog-Title-Here]

QUESTION:

If humans are bound to die sooner or later, then what's the purpose of living?

The second half of my life will start today! Yes, it's my birthday. So far, only two people have greeted me in advance (my ex-colleagues from CVG called me while I was writing this - thanks guys! pero tampo parin ako..hmmmp...). I really don't give a flying fuck if people greet me or not. I will be happy no matter what. Geez... I am getting old but have not gained anything but fats and white hair and black heads and dandruff. I am completely out of sync with my ex-classmates and friends lives. But hey, I'm starting today. Yes. I want to make a change!

I know this entry will sound like another i-am-ok-and-will-be-better-soon-blah-blah-shit-blah. I'm tired of that same thingyshit, to be honest. Even myself has gone sick and tired of seeing myself get sick and tired of my own BSs in life. But I am not giving up...not anymore. I don't want to be the same Raffy who thought of taking his own life just because he can't find his purpose of living. My mom and siblings might be surprised if they get to read this... but let me confess... It really crossed my mind, not just once but many times. I was almost over the edge...just a thread away from what I was thinking of doing. I thought of killing myself.

Looking back, I remember the last time I let people see me cry. My father died 5 years ago...17th of June...3 days after my birthday. I did not cry a single tear-drop the night he died. In fact, I was quite relieved that his suffering finally ended. But when the day that he's about to be put down, reality started to slowly sink in my restless mind. I, being the only boy in the family, I can say I was really loved. My dad had been always with me as a kid, and as I grew up I realized how much he loved us. There were times when he was just being too much of everything - giving too much advice, too much criticism...he sometimes hit us with his belt also (a typical way of disciplining children during our time...long before Bantay-Bata 163 was invented, lol.)...too much of being a father... which is kind of a smothering-parental-guidance-thingy that every growing child hates. There were even times when I wished he'd go...when I wished he'd leave me alone and just let me be and do what I want. And he finally did. He died. And when I had the last glimpse of his face through the glass that separated him from us...when the coffin was finally closed...when he was being put down...I cried, hard and loud. And yes, I miss my dad.

I like being alone most of the time. Tucked inside my room, I barely go out. Only when I need to go to the john or when I feel like eating or when my mom calls me are the only times that I leave my cave-like room. I am depressed. Yes, I am. It's something that I have to face myself. Something that I cannot hide and run away from. It is there...it exists...the feeling of being depressed and the intolerable aweing pain of being lonely is always and ever present in my entirety. It's a battle between me and depression. But fighting back was never an option for me. Coward is my last name, I-am is my first. I usually run away when I cannot take things anymore. I'd call my friends, my ex-colleagues, and invite everyone I know for an all-night-drinking-session. That's where I was good at. At work, I always try to make all sort of excuses to brush off responsibilities. I know I am well-equipped with all the things I need to survive, but I'm just too darn lazy to work on things...just too lazy to fight back. I'm just too passive. Depression has been grasping me for a long time now, but I never made an attempt to fight it. I used to go out with friends, get drunk, get really really drunk, go home, get depressed again, become a bad drunk and say shitty things, jack-off. I don't know. But I really didn't like who I was before. Not a single bit. I always saw myself as the ugliest...the most boring... the least interesting and the least attractive...and the list goes on and on and on. I always wanted recognition from the people I love and care about but was too lazy to make an effort to get it. Until someone finally showed me and made me feel how it is to be cared about. That was only when I started to like myself...only because someone finally recognized me aside from my family. But it was only temporal.

I only have a few friends, but I am lucky most of them are real. It sucks to be depressed but I am lucky enough the wisest and the most open minded friends I have stayed with me. And they've been helping me.

One asked me, "What do you get from your self-pity?" "Why do you write about it?" That was my composer/music arranger friend asking me.

I answered, "It feels liberating when I vent all my frustrations...it somehow gives me a quick-fix for my suffering."

Then he asked, "And do you really think we find your frustrations and self-pity entertaining?"

A bit irritated with what he said, I told him I do not write for people to read...I do not write for other people's pleasure...that I don't give a flying or crawling or fucking fuck about other people's opinion about me... that I do it for myself and nobody else.

He replied, "Raffy...you are affecting people. As a writer and a blogger it is your responsibility to influence people in the right way. You are spreading negative thoughts thru your writings and that is totally not right."

I listened to what he was saying, wrinkling my forehead on the words "totally not right".

He added, "Instead of influencing people in the wrong way, why don't you vent your frustrations in a positive way?"

I frowned while asking him "How do I do that?"

And he told me the secret.

Sometimes I feel like I am expressing the same feelings over and over...the same very pessimistic thoughts and words over and over...like an irritating cartoon character wearing the same clothes all through out the series...like a sick-cycle carousel that continues to run in a very tediously old-fashioned circular motion. I need to come up with something special from all my frustrations and failures. I need to make and write something that will "inspire" people. Like how the deaf do it. They cannot communicate verbally, audibly, yet in there smiles, thousands of happy things are reflected. They do not dwell and complain about their disability. Instead, they make use of other things that they have to bring and share happiness to people. There's just so much things to enjoy in this world! Why do I have to wallow in pain and depression??? Pain is inevitable, everyone experiences it one way or another. But the way people respond to what's going on makes the difference. It's on the way people take things. I realized I can find something truly important in every minute of my existence. I realized I do not really need to dwell and feel sorry for myself for not having the things I wish I have...for not having the people I love and care about...and for being rejected. I only started loving myself before because someone finally recognized me. But now, it has finally dawned on me... I do not need people to motivate me. Well, it helps in some ways having someone to cheer you up and praise you and recognize you and to back you up and help you when you find yourself in deep shit, but it is only one's self who can truly save himself. Yes...I need to love and recognize myself first before I cry and beg for other people's recognition.

Wee heee... I think this is just too much drama for my birthday. Well, I am happy. I can honestly say I am.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:

By the way, thanks to my ex-colleagues from Convergys-Alabang, for making the effort to contact me at this time (past midnight and I was writing this semi-positive post when my ex-boss and ex-colleagues called me.) And special thanks to David for buying me Bob Ong's 7th book, KAPITAN SINO (see pic) - the first Birthday gift I received this year! I really appreciate and love the book!!! And to Jaime (my best friend!) and Titus... you guys are incredible (ooohhhsome) in giving advices. Why don't you guys work as psychologists...I'm sure you'll make it big in that field! Wehehe... XD.

SONG NUMBER:

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday happy birthday happy birthday to me!... (Repeat 'till fade)

ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:

If you can't find a reason for living...ahmmm...well...fuck that! Just live life, be happy, and get some sex from time to time! Harharhar...

ANOTHER BY-THE-WAY:

Hmmm...the glitch here seems to be a long-lived system failure...Blogger still doesn't provide me the General Toolbar-editing options I used to have...aaarrrgghh... my font is different and my paragraphs are not justified! Ayusin na sana ng Blogger... (***update: my editing options are working fine now. Mukang mas maganda tingnan pag Arial ang font.***)