[Insert Pre-Birthday-Post Title here] :-)

I'm still alive.

Just surviving. A few hours more and I am officially another year older. Thank Gawd.

I am currently looking for a job. Ok...I haven't really been looking for a job, but I am waiting to get one. How it is going to happen is something...well, I do not know. I want to leave it all to fate. Afterall it is my birthday tomorrow! Good old fate might be nice enough to deliver a perfect job right at my doorstep, teee heee! Come on fate, I am waiting! Wait till all the stars under my zodiac signs are in their perfect locations...wait till the lucky astroligical bodies are aligned... wait till my body and spirit and desires are in sync...yaddah yaddah blah blah... Since I am again entering the call whoring business, I want to make sure that I get into a company I really want to be a part of. I do not enjoy working in this business, so I might as well choose a company that I really like to give myself a little consolation. I just hope they give me a call soon, puhleeeze... as I don't have money anymore. All my financial resources are gone and I am now, what you call, errrr, broke. You see, It is my birthday tomorrow and I am broke. How sad can that be? Working in a call centre is such a drag for me, but then again it is the only decent high paying job I can do. At least it gives me something to support my needs and my family's. Yes...call whoring business...arrghh...my body is sick and tired of it, but I've no better choice at the moment, so I'm sticking with it... for now.

You see, I've been blathering in this blog about my desire of finishing my Mechanical Engineering degree in Mapua but I have not done a thing about it since I stopped from schooling. I admit I need some parental guidance sometimes...maybe a little spanking too. I don't want to study and work at the same time so don't tell me to do just that. I am not that intelligent, ok. What I want to do is work, earn and save more than enough money, then go back to college. Now please tell me to walk my talk! Leaving college wasn't really my fault. It was a very tough time for my family when my father got sick a long time ago, so I willingly gave up my studies temporarily (which now looks permanently). Yes, it wasn't my fault, but I understand it is my responsibility, which, I had been trying to brush off my shoulder. A responsibility that I had been hoping someone in the family would take care of. I'm over that hopeful thinking, and am now taking full responsibility of it. Becoming an engineer was my dream when I was young, but things have changed now. It isn't a dream anymore. It's now, I think, just an option. The best option. Truth is, I really woudn't want to become an engineer now if I enjoy working as a call centre whore, and if titles and diploma do not matter. (This will be a short rant of an undergrad, pfft. Bite me) Why do titles and diploma matter in the first place? It's just a fucking piece of recycled paper. Why do local companies require their applicants to have a college degree when most international call whoring businesses don't? I don't get it. An undergrad can be hired by IBM, Convergys, HSBC, and by an international online research company and get paid very good, but can't get into a high-paying "local company"? Compare the odds. If an undergrad got the brains and talents and the desire, who the hell are they to tell him he's not worthy of a high paying 10am-6pm job? Who the fuck are they to tell him that they're smarter and have more value than him just because they have that fucking piece of laminated paper tucked in their sleeves and he doesn't? Ok, I kept on typing him when I meant I. I tried applying in a company sometime last 2007 and got rejected just because I didn't finish my degree. Did that ever happen to you? If not, you're lucky. According to statistics, 73 percent, of college freshmen, either drops out of college before reaching the senior year, or gets a different course and finishes it elsewhere where tuition is lower. They all want a degree so they can land a good job, preferably outside the country. And our moron government, instead of creating more jobs in the country, encourages its people even more to go and work as slaves abroad! I cannot blame our people if they want to. Who wouldn't, if salary is high and they were given the chance? Even I want to get the hell out of the country, for good. I wrote in my previous post about some "what if's" if fate and the powerful force of the universe chose the Philippines to be the most powerful country in the world and not America. Just imagine the Philippines outsourcing its jobs to the US and getting Americans to work as call centre agents for Filipino-owned companies, and forcing them to speak Tagalog in a neutral accent. Haha. Wouldn't that be great? XD

I'm thinking it might be better for me to just leave my desire of becoming an engineer. Quit jumping from one call centre to another and concentrate on becoming a professional telephone whore. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be an engineer. Maybe I was only placed by the universe in Mapua for a few years to help the future engineers pass their subjects by copying on me during exams. It's nice to work at night anyway, and I've been told many times I have the potential and talent to succeed in the call whoring business, so why am I wasting it? (Ooopss... Oh my Gawd, why am I saying these? Didn't I hate this job?)

I loathe the call whoring business, but I'm afraid my adolescent dream of becoming an engineer, or even just graduating, is slowly becoming a thing in the past. Pfft. A friend told me I have to make up my mind and decide and be serious with life before I get older. The climb is getting tougher each day. So, to the kind-hearted and well-off individuals out there who want to help me go back to college, you may leave a comment with your contact details so we can discuss how you can help me finish my Mechanical Engineering degree and be an engineer. Just think of it as a birthday gift for this talented young guy. LOL.

Pre-birthday cake dala ni Ate Nanz. Ubos to bago pa ako mag-birthday, haha.

AFTERWORD:

I'm jobless, I'm broke, but I'm happy. It's actually fun doing nothing! Well, it gets a little boring sometimes but the overall experience of bumming is still great (come on convince yourself more Raf). This is a pre-birthday post so I'm supposed to be happy. Hooray! XD

HEAT TRANSFER

I have totally reduced myself to a complete boredom. I am totally not satisfied with where I am at life. I feel it’s about time to do something meaningful before I end up killing myself, but I don‘t know where and how to start. Now that my youngest sister is graduating in college, I feel the desire to go back to school and finish my mechanical engineering degree, or maybe get a different degree, or anything - like, eerrr, cosmetology, just for the heck of getting a diploma. Got four choices right now. I would either finish my ME degree, or take up nursing, or fine arts, or conservatory of music. Anything just to let people know I have some use too. I’m afraid I am becoming someone worthless now - for real. Huge time and opportunities were already wasted. Most of them cannot be recovered - like a cracked egg that will soon rot. I am actually an epitome of an unsold-cracked egg that has no future but to waste bag. My youngest sister will graduate this April. And yes…all my siblings have their diplomas and degrees. And I’m the only one who sucks. OUCH!!!

I am planning to move outside the country. I want to work and study at the same time, if possible. I told my sister about my plan of studying in the US but she just laughed in my face. “Hala, ang tamad-tamad mo nga bumalik sa school tsaka wala ka ngang pang-tuition dito tapos sa US mo pa balak mag-aral?” Well, she has a point there. It may sound unrealistic to some. But I feel the urge to be successful… I want it… before I die, or before I kill myself. I know I should be doing this for myself, but I’m not. I am doing this to prove people that I‘m more than just a dirt bag. If that also means doing this for myself, that I do not know. I just want to have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask for it.

I applied at Monbukagakusho - Japanese Government Scholarship last 2004. I was planning to get a double degree in engineering then, Mechanical and Electrical, and then get a Masteral degree right after. I was so certain it’s what I want and that I can do it. Only problem was I failed to submit all the requirements needed - I failed to provide them my transcript of record from Mapua. Oh… I really don’t want to discuss it. But alright, I’ll tell you why, but never dare laugh at me. I had a balance of 13,000 pesos in Mapua and I couldn’t get my transcript without paying the balance in full. Yes….13 Thousand effing Pesos ONLY. It may be a small amount, but was not for my family at that time. My father at that time was undergoing an intensive-and-expensive medication. He’d been in and out of the hospital - St. Lukes to Makati Med to Manila Doctors. He had cancer and other sort of complications to his internal organs because of it. More than a hundred thousand effing Pesos every month - excluding the medicines that he had to take. He had his retirement benefits and medical insurances but those didn’t help a lot. Money was a big issue. During that time, I used to go to school with only a hundred bucks in my pocket - 60 of which goes to transportation, and the rest will be spent on whatever I’d be needing in my whole day class including food. I almost had nothing for food. That was when I realized the value of money. ’Twas 1,200 pesos per unit during my last two terms in Mapua, if my memory serves me right. And that was when I studied the most… I certainly cannot afford to fail a single subject. During that time I also worked as a student assistant in the registrars office encoding students’ subject load. But my main goal was to get a scholarship, for that was the only way I can continue my studies. A grade point average of 1.00 - 1.50 (1.00 being the highest and 5.00 the lowest) will get me qualified for a full academic scholarship - which was nearly impossible to get. I never heard anyone in my batch who was able to get a full academic scholarship. A grade point average of 1.51 - 1.75 will qualify me for a half-academic scholarship - and that was my target. During my second to the last term in Mapua, I got 1.83 GPA. Obviously it wasn’t good enough. I told my mom I’ll try to get the scholarship next term - so I enrolled again, but I only made a down payment and not the full amount. It was a make or break situation for me. Getting a GPA of 1.75 would save me half of my school expenses. I was on my 4th year then - all major subjects. When all my classmates where just targeting to pass and get a grade of 3.00, I was targeting 1.75 GPA. I did good, almost. Got myself exempted in the final exam of two of my subjects: Thermodynamics 2 and Strength of Materials. All the details I remember - clear and precise. I was the only student in my professors classes who got exempted in the final exam. I thought I’d get the scholarship. But - I did not. I got a GPA of 1.78... A difference of 0.03 to what I needed! Damn!!! What went wrong?!? I cried when I saw my class card - I got a grade of 2.00 in Heat Transfer!!! That bullshit professor only gave me a grade of 2.0!!! I immediately went to my professor to ask about my grade. He told me I missed an exam during one of my absences. He showed me his class record - the date when my class took the exam…and it showed I wasn’t around. Thoughts started to meander my restless mind. He was smiling at me while he was explaining what happened to my grade. I wanted to punch the old bastard until his face flattens on his desk. He was still explaining my grade but I walked out on him… I walked away without uttering a word. That was the end. I gave up.

I willingly stopped from my studies to help save money for my father’s medication. One of my university professor referred me to the Monbukagakusho - Japanese Scholarship program. It’s a scholarship given by the Japanese government to students who are willing to study in Japan and study their language for a year and continue a degree of his choice in a Japanese University. It’s a free education with monthly stipend given to the scholar - how can you be so lucky! Oh well… I had everything ready at that time, had been frequenting the Japanese Embassy Library to study and prepare for the exam. All were set except for my transcript of record - because I could not pay the 13,000 effing pesos balance in Mapua. I was 20 back then. I told my professor about my problem and told him I’ll get the scholarship the next year. That’s when I became an official member of Philippine - OSY (out-of-school-youth, LOL), and started to work in MSE. A year after my first attempt, I learned that only students who are 20yo and below can get the Monbukagakusho scholarship. Oh fuck! And so again, I gave up.

I have been looking for colleges and universities in the US that may have scholarships available for foreign monkeys. My passport will be delivered on the 17th. Yes, that’s the first step and I’m done with it. Heck, what am I gonna do with just a passport alone?!? I need to find a school that will let this stupid-Asian-monkey study and work at the same time abroad. If getting a degree is a part of my purpose in life, I do not know. I just want to move outside the country and have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask of it - and I think that is it. I still don’t know what my real purpose in life is. I remember asking a colleague in CVG before (Belle) about what her real purpose in life is. I asked her when we were texting each other, "what if your purpose in life already happened when you were still a kid… when you stepped on a dog-shit acidentally, and, that’s it. What if that’s the only reason why your were born and raised in the Philippines? What if that was your main role in the universe? Just to step on a dog-shit… papayag ka ba?" She answered, "Ang babaw naman nun! Di man lang ako magiging politician?! Di man lang ako magiging mayaman?!" I told her, "Well, we’ll never know. We might have already served our purpose in life, but as rational beings, we tend to make the most out of our lives that we dream of becoming this and that someday. We can die after we have served our purpose of living." I waited for her text message, but she didn’t answer back. She probably realized I wasn’t worth-talking to.