[Insert-Super-Happy-Birthday-Blog-Title-Here]

QUESTION:

If humans are bound to die sooner or later, then what's the purpose of living?

The second half of my life will start today! Yes, it's my birthday. So far, only two people have greeted me in advance (my ex-colleagues from CVG called me while I was writing this - thanks guys! pero tampo parin ako..hmmmp...). I really don't give a flying fuck if people greet me or not. I will be happy no matter what. Geez... I am getting old but have not gained anything but fats and white hair and black heads and dandruff. I am completely out of sync with my ex-classmates and friends lives. But hey, I'm starting today. Yes. I want to make a change!

I know this entry will sound like another i-am-ok-and-will-be-better-soon-blah-blah-shit-blah. I'm tired of that same thingyshit, to be honest. Even myself has gone sick and tired of seeing myself get sick and tired of my own BSs in life. But I am not giving up...not anymore. I don't want to be the same Raffy who thought of taking his own life just because he can't find his purpose of living. My mom and siblings might be surprised if they get to read this... but let me confess... It really crossed my mind, not just once but many times. I was almost over the edge...just a thread away from what I was thinking of doing. I thought of killing myself.

Looking back, I remember the last time I let people see me cry. My father died 5 years ago...17th of June...3 days after my birthday. I did not cry a single tear-drop the night he died. In fact, I was quite relieved that his suffering finally ended. But when the day that he's about to be put down, reality started to slowly sink in my restless mind. I, being the only boy in the family, I can say I was really loved. My dad had been always with me as a kid, and as I grew up I realized how much he loved us. There were times when he was just being too much of everything - giving too much advice, too much criticism...he sometimes hit us with his belt also (a typical way of disciplining children during our time...long before Bantay-Bata 163 was invented, lol.)...too much of being a father... which is kind of a smothering-parental-guidance-thingy that every growing child hates. There were even times when I wished he'd go...when I wished he'd leave me alone and just let me be and do what I want. And he finally did. He died. And when I had the last glimpse of his face through the glass that separated him from us...when the coffin was finally closed...when he was being put down...I cried, hard and loud. And yes, I miss my dad.

I like being alone most of the time. Tucked inside my room, I barely go out. Only when I need to go to the john or when I feel like eating or when my mom calls me are the only times that I leave my cave-like room. I am depressed. Yes, I am. It's something that I have to face myself. Something that I cannot hide and run away from. It is there...it exists...the feeling of being depressed and the intolerable aweing pain of being lonely is always and ever present in my entirety. It's a battle between me and depression. But fighting back was never an option for me. Coward is my last name, I-am is my first. I usually run away when I cannot take things anymore. I'd call my friends, my ex-colleagues, and invite everyone I know for an all-night-drinking-session. That's where I was good at. At work, I always try to make all sort of excuses to brush off responsibilities. I know I am well-equipped with all the things I need to survive, but I'm just too darn lazy to work on things...just too lazy to fight back. I'm just too passive. Depression has been grasping me for a long time now, but I never made an attempt to fight it. I used to go out with friends, get drunk, get really really drunk, go home, get depressed again, become a bad drunk and say shitty things, jack-off. I don't know. But I really didn't like who I was before. Not a single bit. I always saw myself as the ugliest...the most boring... the least interesting and the least attractive...and the list goes on and on and on. I always wanted recognition from the people I love and care about but was too lazy to make an effort to get it. Until someone finally showed me and made me feel how it is to be cared about. That was only when I started to like myself...only because someone finally recognized me aside from my family. But it was only temporal.

I only have a few friends, but I am lucky most of them are real. It sucks to be depressed but I am lucky enough the wisest and the most open minded friends I have stayed with me. And they've been helping me.

One asked me, "What do you get from your self-pity?" "Why do you write about it?" That was my composer/music arranger friend asking me.

I answered, "It feels liberating when I vent all my frustrations...it somehow gives me a quick-fix for my suffering."

Then he asked, "And do you really think we find your frustrations and self-pity entertaining?"

A bit irritated with what he said, I told him I do not write for people to read...I do not write for other people's pleasure...that I don't give a flying or crawling or fucking fuck about other people's opinion about me... that I do it for myself and nobody else.

He replied, "Raffy...you are affecting people. As a writer and a blogger it is your responsibility to influence people in the right way. You are spreading negative thoughts thru your writings and that is totally not right."

I listened to what he was saying, wrinkling my forehead on the words "totally not right".

He added, "Instead of influencing people in the wrong way, why don't you vent your frustrations in a positive way?"

I frowned while asking him "How do I do that?"

And he told me the secret.

Sometimes I feel like I am expressing the same feelings over and over...the same very pessimistic thoughts and words over and over...like an irritating cartoon character wearing the same clothes all through out the series...like a sick-cycle carousel that continues to run in a very tediously old-fashioned circular motion. I need to come up with something special from all my frustrations and failures. I need to make and write something that will "inspire" people. Like how the deaf do it. They cannot communicate verbally, audibly, yet in there smiles, thousands of happy things are reflected. They do not dwell and complain about their disability. Instead, they make use of other things that they have to bring and share happiness to people. There's just so much things to enjoy in this world! Why do I have to wallow in pain and depression??? Pain is inevitable, everyone experiences it one way or another. But the way people respond to what's going on makes the difference. It's on the way people take things. I realized I can find something truly important in every minute of my existence. I realized I do not really need to dwell and feel sorry for myself for not having the things I wish I have...for not having the people I love and care about...and for being rejected. I only started loving myself before because someone finally recognized me. But now, it has finally dawned on me... I do not need people to motivate me. Well, it helps in some ways having someone to cheer you up and praise you and recognize you and to back you up and help you when you find yourself in deep shit, but it is only one's self who can truly save himself. Yes...I need to love and recognize myself first before I cry and beg for other people's recognition.

Wee heee... I think this is just too much drama for my birthday. Well, I am happy. I can honestly say I am.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:

By the way, thanks to my ex-colleagues from Convergys-Alabang, for making the effort to contact me at this time (past midnight and I was writing this semi-positive post when my ex-boss and ex-colleagues called me.) And special thanks to David for buying me Bob Ong's 7th book, KAPITAN SINO (see pic) - the first Birthday gift I received this year! I really appreciate and love the book!!! And to Jaime (my best friend!) and Titus... you guys are incredible (ooohhhsome) in giving advices. Why don't you guys work as psychologists...I'm sure you'll make it big in that field! Wehehe... XD.

SONG NUMBER:

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday happy birthday happy birthday to me!... (Repeat 'till fade)

ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:

If you can't find a reason for living...ahmmm...well...fuck that! Just live life, be happy, and get some sex from time to time! Harharhar...

ANOTHER BY-THE-WAY:

Hmmm...the glitch here seems to be a long-lived system failure...Blogger still doesn't provide me the General Toolbar-editing options I used to have...aaarrrgghh... my font is different and my paragraphs are not justified! Ayusin na sana ng Blogger... (***update: my editing options are working fine now. Mukang mas maganda tingnan pag Arial ang font.***)

COLOSSAL TRANSMUTATION

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption"

I was craving for chicharon and beer the other night. No, I wasn’t craving, I was fiending! Like how I crave for sex, I wanted chicharon and beer so badly that I was almost ready to kill (bugs and insects) - that’s how I felt last night. I rummage the fridge but didn’t find anything that my taste buds like, and so, I was forced to spend my last 100 pesos to get something to eat in the nearest sari-sari store from home. I wanted chicharon but f*ck they don’t have it! And so I bought, instead, 2 packs of peanuts, 2 packs of dilis (a pinoy-snack - a small variety of fish that ranges from half-an-inch up to 3 inches, dried, and dyed red, and seasoned with salt and sugar and whatever other seasoning they add to it), a pack of Marlboro red, and a liter of Redhorse. And that left me with, aahhmmm…yes…2 pesos of change. Yeah, I am down to my last pesos. For 3 months and some days, I spent almost a hundred fifty thousand pesos just bumming around. That money was saved and was supposed to be used on my trip to US. But things changed because of some inevitable reasons. Anyways, I was able to visit places like Puerto Gallera (twice), Baguio, Pangasinan…etc…etc…, and a few of SOGO hotels and Eurotel around the metro (haha). And I was able to survive without working from last week of January to date. Haay…

I was feeling extremely lonely again. I can say I am good now. I’ve been writing about non-sense stuffs and about my exceedingly pessimistic thoughts in most of blog entries. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t move on with my life. Dang! Things that hurt me in the past still manage to comeback and relive all the sorrows and throbbing pains over and over again -like a never ending cycle that slowly tears my entirety. I thought I already learned the secret of the power of positive thinking a long time ago when I read Rhonda Byrne’s book. Wat da pak ish hapenin to mee??? Arrrgghh!!! I hate that feeling. So I got to move on! Yes!!! I am moving on with a smile on my face. I told a friend about my desire to be positive but he said all were just a deja vou of what I said before. So to put things simpler - he doesn’t believe that I am ready to move on. He said my “move-on” is just a make-up word, a politicians word, so to speak. Well, we’ll see. He gave me something to read and think about: The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It’s not just for people addicted to alcohol. The 12 Step Program was made and outlined as a course of action for recovery from addiction (not just on alcohol - that also includes addiction to drugs, overeating, addiction to sex, etc) and other behavioral problems. Another friend told me that I got to get my life together before I try to do anything else - like finding love, etc. And they’re both right. I need to help myself, and prove myself ready and worthy of whatever the universe has to offer me. Thanks to you, Jaime and Mark.

I will find a regular job. Yes. I need a regular job. I want to start now and change my life. I realized I want my mom and siblings, and all my loved ones, proud of me. I’ll get a job, earn big money, and finish my degree. And also, I’m tired working as a secret agent for a secret company who works on secret missions, and my contract with them is almost over anyway. Duh! I am completely wasted now and I’m nothing better than a big dirt bag.

I want to get my own apartment soon. Yup. I am moving (again) to Makati/Ortigas area. I might live with a friend or might get a place of my own depending on my budget. Only problem that I have is the source of fund…dyaran…what now??? I am expecting to get a few thousands from Convergys, and my last paycheck from the secret company I am working for. Imagine, I resigned last January and I haven’t gotten my back pay from CVG yet! Don’t blame Convergys - it is my fault. I only processed my clearance last week of April. Yes, that’s how lazy-geniuses really work!

If there are things that I need to improve in myself, that’d be “Money-Management” and my “Emotional Quotient”. I suck at both.

I've been so busy doing nothing but focusing my entire life with all the negative thoughts, that I failed to give my blog a little update. I sometimes feel we are no longer in sync with what’s going on in my life. I’ve been through a lot but I only shared my bloggie a few of them. Worst is that most of the things I‘ve been sharing with my bloggie are the bad ones.

***This one’s for you bloggie: Sorry bloggie. I failed to provide you the right and enough attention that you need. Now that I have nothing and starting over, I realized you are the only one I have. You’ve been by my side during the hardest days of my life. You have transformed from 360 to friendster to blogger, but you are still here - just a few-hits-on-my-keyboard away. I am so sorry I failed to love you like how a loyal friend and lover should be loved. I love you so much my bloggie….***

I swear to keep a regular update on my blog from now on. When I say regular, that’d be like every week. But all will depend on my mood to type and on my brain’s capacity. And I promise, I will try to write about happy thoughts, and will not just focus on the negative ones. I want to talk some sense this time. I’m tired of being sad and feeling lonely, and being down, and being afraid of what‘s going to happen tomorrow. Guess everything that a man does has a breaking point. All things must pass, all things must end - happily. I want to start over and change myself from the cynical I had become to someone optimistic and worthy of being loved. After all I am tired of seeking and enjoying self-suffering.

AFTERWORD:
I watched again The Shawshank Redemption, and it helped me remember and realize the things that I already know, but I chose to forget. I want to be a happy-man now. Like Andy Dufresne, like a free bird, I want to be. And yes, not all birds are meant to be caged - my feathers are just too bright to wallow inside the cage of loneliness that I built myself. Yeahey!!! I am moving on and will be happy. I know this would be a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain, but I hope and believe all will be fine. I never believed in changes, till I found myself ready to change to something better - and I am real.