COLOSSAL TRANSMUTATION

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption"

I was craving for chicharon and beer the other night. No, I wasn’t craving, I was fiending! Like how I crave for sex, I wanted chicharon and beer so badly that I was almost ready to kill (bugs and insects) - that’s how I felt last night. I rummage the fridge but didn’t find anything that my taste buds like, and so, I was forced to spend my last 100 pesos to get something to eat in the nearest sari-sari store from home. I wanted chicharon but f*ck they don’t have it! And so I bought, instead, 2 packs of peanuts, 2 packs of dilis (a pinoy-snack - a small variety of fish that ranges from half-an-inch up to 3 inches, dried, and dyed red, and seasoned with salt and sugar and whatever other seasoning they add to it), a pack of Marlboro red, and a liter of Redhorse. And that left me with, aahhmmm…yes…2 pesos of change. Yeah, I am down to my last pesos. For 3 months and some days, I spent almost a hundred fifty thousand pesos just bumming around. That money was saved and was supposed to be used on my trip to US. But things changed because of some inevitable reasons. Anyways, I was able to visit places like Puerto Gallera (twice), Baguio, Pangasinan…etc…etc…, and a few of SOGO hotels and Eurotel around the metro (haha). And I was able to survive without working from last week of January to date. Haay…

I was feeling extremely lonely again. I can say I am good now. I’ve been writing about non-sense stuffs and about my exceedingly pessimistic thoughts in most of blog entries. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t move on with my life. Dang! Things that hurt me in the past still manage to comeback and relive all the sorrows and throbbing pains over and over again -like a never ending cycle that slowly tears my entirety. I thought I already learned the secret of the power of positive thinking a long time ago when I read Rhonda Byrne’s book. Wat da pak ish hapenin to mee??? Arrrgghh!!! I hate that feeling. So I got to move on! Yes!!! I am moving on with a smile on my face. I told a friend about my desire to be positive but he said all were just a deja vou of what I said before. So to put things simpler - he doesn’t believe that I am ready to move on. He said my “move-on” is just a make-up word, a politicians word, so to speak. Well, we’ll see. He gave me something to read and think about: The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It’s not just for people addicted to alcohol. The 12 Step Program was made and outlined as a course of action for recovery from addiction (not just on alcohol - that also includes addiction to drugs, overeating, addiction to sex, etc) and other behavioral problems. Another friend told me that I got to get my life together before I try to do anything else - like finding love, etc. And they’re both right. I need to help myself, and prove myself ready and worthy of whatever the universe has to offer me. Thanks to you, Jaime and Mark.

I will find a regular job. Yes. I need a regular job. I want to start now and change my life. I realized I want my mom and siblings, and all my loved ones, proud of me. I’ll get a job, earn big money, and finish my degree. And also, I’m tired working as a secret agent for a secret company who works on secret missions, and my contract with them is almost over anyway. Duh! I am completely wasted now and I’m nothing better than a big dirt bag.

I want to get my own apartment soon. Yup. I am moving (again) to Makati/Ortigas area. I might live with a friend or might get a place of my own depending on my budget. Only problem that I have is the source of fund…dyaran…what now??? I am expecting to get a few thousands from Convergys, and my last paycheck from the secret company I am working for. Imagine, I resigned last January and I haven’t gotten my back pay from CVG yet! Don’t blame Convergys - it is my fault. I only processed my clearance last week of April. Yes, that’s how lazy-geniuses really work!

If there are things that I need to improve in myself, that’d be “Money-Management” and my “Emotional Quotient”. I suck at both.

I've been so busy doing nothing but focusing my entire life with all the negative thoughts, that I failed to give my blog a little update. I sometimes feel we are no longer in sync with what’s going on in my life. I’ve been through a lot but I only shared my bloggie a few of them. Worst is that most of the things I‘ve been sharing with my bloggie are the bad ones.

***This one’s for you bloggie: Sorry bloggie. I failed to provide you the right and enough attention that you need. Now that I have nothing and starting over, I realized you are the only one I have. You’ve been by my side during the hardest days of my life. You have transformed from 360 to friendster to blogger, but you are still here - just a few-hits-on-my-keyboard away. I am so sorry I failed to love you like how a loyal friend and lover should be loved. I love you so much my bloggie….***

I swear to keep a regular update on my blog from now on. When I say regular, that’d be like every week. But all will depend on my mood to type and on my brain’s capacity. And I promise, I will try to write about happy thoughts, and will not just focus on the negative ones. I want to talk some sense this time. I’m tired of being sad and feeling lonely, and being down, and being afraid of what‘s going to happen tomorrow. Guess everything that a man does has a breaking point. All things must pass, all things must end - happily. I want to start over and change myself from the cynical I had become to someone optimistic and worthy of being loved. After all I am tired of seeking and enjoying self-suffering.

AFTERWORD:
I watched again The Shawshank Redemption, and it helped me remember and realize the things that I already know, but I chose to forget. I want to be a happy-man now. Like Andy Dufresne, like a free bird, I want to be. And yes, not all birds are meant to be caged - my feathers are just too bright to wallow inside the cage of loneliness that I built myself. Yeahey!!! I am moving on and will be happy. I know this would be a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain, but I hope and believe all will be fine. I never believed in changes, till I found myself ready to change to something better - and I am real.