Ok, stone me and drown me. I ate my word when I said I was shutting this blog off and that I was happy. Well, I am happy in a way, but happiness doesn't really numb the pain. I ate my words by heartfully pouring my thoughts and my feelings in this blog yet again. Guess I'm not really tired afterall. I thought I was tired of feeling this way, but it appears I still have a lot of emotion and hurt to throw in this blog. I don't want to think I thrive in loneliness and sadness, but I've learned to live with them. I don't enjoy it, really, but this is how I want to be found. Baka maawa kasi sya pag nakita nya akong ganito. Heck, dapat matagal na. Baliw din ako eh. I sometimes wish I can take something to numb the pain, but then again, that pain I wanted to extinguish is the same pain that bears the memories and reasons why I still find myself smiling at times. Pasensya na, hindi ko na mapigilan. Baka bigla na lang ako sumabog. So go ahead, kill me.
I wonder why I continue writing on this emo-slash-forsaken blog. Nobody ever reads this blog for all I know. It's all the same shitness, only different day. Please quit reading if you don't want to read anything negative. This might just add up to your own shitness in life. Life is aleady full of dirt, and I don't want to add up to yours. Feel free to close this window, and hop some site else. I am not giving you the burden to stay and read this almost-endless-emoish litany blah.
I'm not in the mood for anything good. I want to burst. I am starting a new job on Friday, but I'm still not sure if it's what I really want. I've quitted the call whoring job a couple of times, but here I am again entering the same old shit. Gone tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired in the whoring business, but life is really giving me no other choice, or siguro takot lang akong sumubok ng bago. Maybe. I'm tired of getting stupid calls from people asking about equally stupid questions. They're calling because they have issues, and most of the time these issues are just because of plain stupidity. Geez. The world is truly reeking of stupidity, and so does this blog you might say. To make things worse, we, and all the people working in the call whoring business are slowly becoming part of that hellishly moronic population and we don't even notice it. Or maybe it is just me. Dinamay ko pa kayo, pasensya na. About my new job, I will play it by ear. I cannot guarantee that I will last a long time in my new-but-not-new company. I just want to earn enough money to do what needs to be done.
Everyday is a an effing tug-o-war between the rational "I-want-to-be-happy-and-start-over" and the ever hopeful "i-don't-believe-in-changes-and-i-don't-go-back-on-my-word". I'm tired. But I really don't go back on my word. I don't want to.
Bakit nga ba ako nag-aaksaya ng oras sa pagsasabi ng mga bagay na para sa iba ay wala namang kakwenta-kwenta at wala ni hibla ng katuturan? Hindi ko alam, pero ang oras at panahon ko ay bahagi ng isang malaking konsepto ng pagkatao ko na mahirap arukin at intindihain kahit na ng mismo kong ulirat. Gusto ko lang ibahagi kahit na alam kong hindi naman ako naiintindihan ng mga taong napapadaan ng hindi sadya sa site na to...kahit na katumbas lang sya ng pag-ihi ko sa pader ng harapan pero kailan man ay di ko pa narinig na nagmura at umihi sa akin ng pabalik. Gaya ng pagbulong ko sa mga alaga kong aso paminsan-minsan ng mga saloobin ko na hindi ko maipasa sa mga tao. Kung minsan kasi, mas tao pa kung makinig ang mga aso kesa sa mga tunay na tao.
I'm sorry for wasting your time. This will be the last, I hope. Next time I'll try to write something funny or useful. Christmas is near.