Monday, March 23, 2009

Someday, when my dogs are old enough to talk...

“Heaven and Earth have sworn that the truth shall remain forever hidden”
Isaac Bashevis Singer, “The Dead Fiddler”

and from this moment on, it will be.


Someday, when my dogs are old enough to speak, they might tell you the truth I showed you late, and you failed to understand. I wish I was born a dog so you’d take time to listen to me…and maybe hug me, and walk me, and let me sleep beside you in bed, and maybe love me unconditionally too. I’ll let my dogs do the job I failed to do.

In a short period of time… everything that I, we, had been slowly putting up into a reality of forever happiness crumbled down into gazillions of pieces…irredeemable…and now you tagged it as just a waste of time. Mistakes are, sometimes, needed to come up with the right one. Mathematicians, physicists, scientists, made thousands of mistakes before they came up with their theories, formulas, and inventions. Why can’t I have a second chance?

Tonight should have been a perfect one. A warm but nice weather, a cold glass of chocolate drink, fast internet connection, a very silent night… I have everything I need to get this done in a jiffy. But I don’t have any inspiration at all. I am breaking down. Just another lonely night I need to get through. I thought I’d never write another entry after my previous. Half a life is what I have now. I guess I still have a little strength remaining to make my brain and hands work. And I also somehow realized the need to continue writing while I still can… while I am still alive. I need to let you know what I failed to tell you when I was younger - when I was still immature. Yes. Someday, when my dogs are old enough to talk… maybe you’d start listening to what I have to explain. I lied about one page of my life, but I swear… The person I showed you is the real me and not just the person I thought you’d want to see. It was the real me you learned to love, and it is also the real me you now hate. I am sorry it ended up this way.

I still wish to play with you in the snow. Maybe someday we'll find it wasn't really wasted time.

Saturday, March 21, 2009



Friday, March 13, 2009


I have totally reduced myself to a complete boredom. I am totally not satisfied with where I am at life. I feel it’s about time to do something meaningful before I end up killing myself, but I don‘t know where and how to start. Now that my youngest sister is graduating in college, I feel the desire to go back to school and finish my mechanical engineering degree, or maybe get a different degree, or anything - like, eerrr, cosmetology, just for the heck of getting a diploma. Got four choices right now. I would either finish my ME degree, or take up nursing, or fine arts, or conservatory of music. Anything just to let people know I have some use too. I’m afraid I am becoming someone worthless now - for real. Huge time and opportunities were already wasted. Most of them cannot be recovered - like a cracked egg that will soon rot. I am actually an epitome of an unsold-cracked egg that has no future but to waste bag. My youngest sister will graduate this April. And yes…all my siblings have their diplomas and degrees. And I’m the only one who sucks. OUCH!!!

I am planning to move outside the country. I want to work and study at the same time, if possible. I told my sister about my plan of studying in the US but she just laughed in my face. “Hala, ang tamad-tamad mo nga bumalik sa school tsaka wala ka ngang pang-tuition dito tapos sa US mo pa balak mag-aral?” Well, she has a point there. It may sound unrealistic to some. But I feel the urge to be successful… I want it… before I die, or before I kill myself. I know I should be doing this for myself, but I’m not. I am doing this to prove people that I‘m more than just a dirt bag. If that also means doing this for myself, that I do not know. I just want to have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask for it.

I applied at Monbukagakusho - Japanese Government Scholarship last 2004. I was planning to get a double degree in engineering then, Mechanical and Electrical, and then get a Masteral degree right after. I was so certain it’s what I want and that I can do it. Only problem was I failed to submit all the requirements needed - I failed to provide them my transcript of record from Mapua. Oh… I really don’t want to discuss it. But alright, I’ll tell you why, but never dare laugh at me. I had a balance of 13,000 pesos in Mapua and I couldn’t get my transcript without paying the balance in full. Yes….13 Thousand effing Pesos ONLY. It may be a small amount, but was not for my family at that time. My father at that time was undergoing an intensive-and-expensive medication. He’d been in and out of the hospital - St. Lukes to Makati Med to Manila Doctors. He had cancer and other sort of complications to his internal organs because of it. More than a hundred thousand effing Pesos every month - excluding the medicines that he had to take. He had his retirement benefits and medical insurances but those didn’t help a lot. Money was a big issue. During that time, I used to go to school with only a hundred bucks in my pocket - 60 of which goes to transportation, and the rest will be spent on whatever I’d be needing in my whole day class including food. I almost had nothing for food. That was when I realized the value of money. ’Twas 1,200 pesos per unit during my last two terms in Mapua, if my memory serves me right. And that was when I studied the most… I certainly cannot afford to fail a single subject. During that time I also worked as a student assistant in the registrars office encoding students’ subject load. But my main goal was to get a scholarship, for that was the only way I can continue my studies. A grade point average of 1.00 - 1.50 (1.00 being the highest and 5.00 the lowest) will get me qualified for a full academic scholarship - which was nearly impossible to get. I never heard anyone in my batch who was able to get a full academic scholarship. A grade point average of 1.51 - 1.75 will qualify me for a half-academic scholarship - and that was my target. During my second to the last term in Mapua, I got 1.83 GPA. Obviously it wasn’t good enough. I told my mom I’ll try to get the scholarship next term - so I enrolled again, but I only made a down payment and not the full amount. It was a make or break situation for me. Getting a GPA of 1.75 would save me half of my school expenses. I was on my 4th year then - all major subjects. When all my classmates where just targeting to pass and get a grade of 3.00, I was targeting 1.75 GPA. I did good, almost. Got myself exempted in the final exam of two of my subjects: Thermodynamics 2 and Strength of Materials. All the details I remember - clear and precise. I was the only student in my professors classes who got exempted in the final exam. I thought I’d get the scholarship. But - I did not. I got a GPA of 1.78... A difference of 0.03 to what I needed! Damn!!! What went wrong?!? I cried when I saw my class card - I got a grade of 2.00 in Heat Transfer!!! That bullshit professor only gave me a grade of 2.0!!! I immediately went to my professor to ask about my grade. He told me I missed an exam during one of my absences. He showed me his class record - the date when my class took the exam…and it showed I wasn’t around. Thoughts started to meander my restless mind. He was smiling at me while he was explaining what happened to my grade. I wanted to punch the old bastard until his face flattens on his desk. He was still explaining my grade but I walked out on him… I walked away without uttering a word. That was the end. I gave up.

I willingly stopped from my studies to help save money for my father’s medication. One of my university professor referred me to the Monbukagakusho - Japanese Scholarship program. It’s a scholarship given by the Japanese government to students who are willing to study in Japan and study their language for a year and continue a degree of his choice in a Japanese University. It’s a free education with monthly stipend given to the scholar - how can you be so lucky! Oh well… I had everything ready at that time, had been frequenting the Japanese Embassy Library to study and prepare for the exam. All were set except for my transcript of record - because I could not pay the 13,000 effing pesos balance in Mapua. I was 20 back then. I told my professor about my problem and told him I’ll get the scholarship the next year. That’s when I became an official member of Philippine - OSY (out-of-school-youth, LOL), and started to work in MSE. A year after my first attempt, I learned that only students who are 20yo and below can get the Monbukagakusho scholarship. Oh fuck! And so again, I gave up.

I have been looking for colleges and universities in the US that may have scholarships available for foreign monkeys. My passport will be delivered on the 17th. Yes, that’s the first step and I’m done with it. Heck, what am I gonna do with just a passport alone?!? I need to find a school that will let this stupid-Asian-monkey study and work at the same time abroad. If getting a degree is a part of my purpose in life, I do not know. I just want to move outside the country and have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask of it - and I think that is it. I still don’t know what my real purpose in life is. I remember asking a colleague in CVG before (Belle) about what her real purpose in life is. I asked her when we were texting each other, "what if your purpose in life already happened when you were still a kid… when you stepped on a dog-shit acidentally, and, that’s it. What if that’s the only reason why your were born and raised in the Philippines? What if that was your main role in the universe? Just to step on a dog-shit… papayag ka ba?" She answered, "Ang babaw naman nun! Di man lang ako magiging politician?! Di man lang ako magiging mayaman?!" I told her, "Well, we’ll never know. We might have already served our purpose in life, but as rational beings, we tend to make the most out of our lives that we dream of becoming this and that someday. We can die after we have served our purpose of living." I waited for her text message, but she didn’t answer back. She probably realized I wasn’t worth-talking to.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


Ok…chances are, if you’re reading this, you want to know more about me…or you just want to check if I have written another nonsensical stuff . I'm not complaining.  That’s what blogging is for, right? It would beat the purpose of posting it online if I won’t let anyone read it. I might as well just write a diary in paper if that’s the case.

Usual blogs begin with a primer about the blogger. I have been blogging for ….aahhm….more than 3 years now, but I have never thought of writing a good primer about me. But it’s never late to describe myself. I am lazy… I am so fucking lazy there are times when I don’t want to move at all. Ok, so that gives a bit info to digest. When someone asks me for my stats, I usually laugh in their face. One thing, number’s don’t describe the important parts of me, at least, not the truly important parts of my being. I am a nice guy, and I think that’s what matters. Never dare ask about my weight because you’ll never-ever get an honest answer. Ok… for those who haven’t seen me in person, I am like the ugly version of Buddha without the wisdom. (But I'm not that big, ok…yes, I stock, but not fat!) A very special someone used to call my extra-baggage “love-handles.” You see, there are ways to describe unpleasant things in a nice and more acceptable way.

Ok…moving onto smaller topics, here’s a list of things that describe and interest me…in no particular order:
  • Lazy (already mentioned)
  • Computers (on them almost day and night….waaaah…someone got to get me off them, pls..!!!!)
  • Reading (John Grisham‘s, Mitch Albom‘s, Neil Gaiman, and other local writers)
  • Guitars (got an acoustic Lumanog guitar and a Fender Stratocaster - Squire Series, Made in Mexico! Originally released in the 70‘s.)
  • Drawing (I believe I was born with the talent to draw but I do not really use it. I used to draw with pencil and charcoal. I might get into it again.)
  • Music (I can listen to almost anything but Pinoy Rap! All are crap!!! Except Francis M - he‘s good. I have written a few songs. One of them almost made it to the semifinal-selection of the Himig Handog Lovesong of ABS-CBN. I was 18 yrs old then. - yabang lang, haha)
  • Foods (I LOVE eating.  Pizza and fries and ice cream and fruit salad)
  • Chocolates (no particular brand…but anything that is made from chocolates are a real turn on -from chocolate bars to cakes to drinks)
  • Beer (I used to drink every other day. But now, because of my limited budget I am forced to do it once a week. When in bars, I drink nothing harder than Vodka-tonic.)
  • Sweat (Yes, I sweat easily, specially my hands. It’s like 2/3 of my body is made of super-active sweat glands.)
  • Haircut (I used to cut my own hair, but just last month I decided to give it up for the mean time - I had a professional cut my hair - for a change)
  • Naruto (that‘s my favorite Japanese cartoon at the moment - used to be Samurai X. If I will describe myself - I am more like Shikamaru and Gaara. A hybrid of those two.)
  • Boring (In general, I am wearingly dull, repetitive and tedious. But I can be fun with fun people. It depends on the people I am with)
  • Photography (not a professional photographer but I like taking photos with my old Nokia N73‘s 3.2 Mega-pixel Camera. I might get a real camera soon.)
  • Love-sick Pup (it says it all)
  • Sex (sometimes)
  • Single (very much available…any takers?)
That’s a fair-late start, but there’s more out there. More things to learn and discover about me. Ask questions as you want and I’ll answer them as best as I can. However, I do reserve the right to not answer.
I am thinking of going back to school to finish my Mechanical Engineering degree. I remember someone told me before...
“You better know what you want to do with your life first before you get myself involved on your fairytales of a perfect life. No one can make your life perfect except you! Do not be content with what you have, shake your life up a little bit. Grow up and move on, not for me, but for yourself!”

I cried after that.
Yeah, another thing, I cry as easy as I laugh. And I hate it.


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