SURVEY ITO:

Kunwari...kunwari lang ha...isang gabing madilim at malamig...mga bandang 4:00am...nagcheck ka ng ATM...tapos nagulat ka...kasi may $2,000.00 USD on top of your existing savings (katsing! katsing! katsing!)...ano gagawin mo?!? Ano?!? Sasaya ka ba bigla kahit malungkot ka?!? Kung sa akin mangyari 'yon...mapapaWOW akong talaga!!! Ikaw?

Place your answers under Comments. :-)

SNOW ON THE ROOF...FIRE ON THE FLOOR

Admit it or not, we all like feeling superior in some way...be it in the school, in the office, and in the neighbourhood. Even in the videoke bars, we always want to keep the microphone in our hand and kick the competitors out. Come on! Admit it!

Call it arrogance, but usually when I am with a new group of people...let’s say in school, or in the first day of work in a call centre...I usually assume that I am the best, the most well-informed, the most dead-set, the most serious, and the fastest to learn. Okay...I know that may sound “mayabang ” to most of you, but that is how I best adapt with the new surroundings. I want to start strong in everything I do. I want to take the lead. But that is always just in the beginning. It’s like seeing Superman flying effortlessly and mindlessly in the sky until he bangs his head on a lamppost. Ouch!!!

I already talked to my boss at work. Yes. I am resigning from work (again...). We talked half an hour before our shift started last night. Funny thing is, we did not really talk much about my resignation. Instead we talked about how I can help the team get a passing grade in IR, QAM, and Advanis Survey for the month of January. Yep...there I was ...leaving...but planning strategically how I can leave my team gracefully and heroically. Very patriotic huh! :-) Of course I cannot say no to my TL. He’s one of the best and nicest bosses I know (listen...I am not telling this because I am afraid that he might not endorse me to my next employer...I am doing this because, aaahhhh...mmmm...he might just get to read this post. Harhar..) Kidding aside, he’s indeed one of the best I have met in the call centre Industry. He can tell you your bad side without making you feel small, and he can be very straight-forward to you without sounding mean. I respect him. So instead of continuously being absent I decided to put an end on my dilemma that has become his and my team’s dilemma as well. I am resigning. And that is effective until the end of the Month. I am not really sure yet if I can stay until the end of the month though. I am so paking-sik-en-tayrd of spreeeeennnntttttttt!!! We’ll see. But one thing is certain. I am only until the end of January.

Goodbye my friends.

Paking-sheyt!!! I hate saying goodbye. I hate it! No matter what angle you regard it from...saying goodbye was never easy. I learned to love my friends at work. When I told my boss I am quitting...half of my mind was shouting nooooo!!! But I had to stop it. I am no longer doing them any good and I am already making myself suffer. I don’t want to work and I don’t want to talk anymore about people’s screws and unpaid bills!!! Waaaahhhh....!!! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired at work!!! Damn.

When I was handling my boss my resignation letter...I was like freezing and burning at the same time. Weird. I want to get out of “our” world but uncertain if another world is waiting to welcome me. I had to take another risk. I hate it. But as have said, I am sick and tired of being sik-en-tayrd! There’s not much I can do but follow my instinct and believe that a brighter future is waiting for me somewhere.

Now I am like a bacteria tucked in a space equal to my body size. I look above and I see snow and ice...and below is a raging fire. Got nowhere to go now. :-(

I dare you to move, Yffar!!! Like today never happened.

The Secret in The Renaissance Hotel Makati

Ok. I am better now.

I already said that before, but turned out transitory and went back to the same wallow feeling I was into. But I’m gonna say it again: I am better now. This time, I know it is for good.

I already discovered the Secret.

I spent three days and two nights in the Renaissance Hotel in Makati. Why and how? Why: I wanted to reflect and see what I really wanted in life. I felt I was in the worst chapter of my life, so I thought of pampering myself. How: I used my hard earned money. I had the money. But now I have none. And to make matters worse, I am on the brink of losing my job. But it’s ok. I have learned the Secret and I know now what I want and I now know how to get it.

Just a comment about the Hotel:
I already tried staying in Edsa Shangri-La Hotel too. Edsa Shangri-La is better in terms of room features. Bathrooms are bigger, bed is bigger, the TV is bigger but slimmer, the tables and couches are bigger. To sum it up, the rooms in Edsa Shangri-La are bigger than the rooms in The Renaissance...they are a lot “sossier”. But, I like the Club Level on the 22nd Floor of The Renaissance...I love the food they serve in the buffet breakfast. And the GYM and Steam bath...it is a wow...complete with everything you need. I also love the swimming pool area in The Renaissance. I didn’t really swim in the pool but I did enjoy watching an old white woman swimming like a frog. That was how she exactly looked like. From my room on the 19th floor of the hotel, watching the old lady swim like a frog became my morning habit. Looks funny. But relaxing to see an old lady mimicking a frog. Harhar.

Ok. Getting back. I spent 3 days in the hotel and did what I “used to love” doing most (not anymore)...thinking. I thought about myself. I thought about my family. I thought about building my own family. I thought about my job. I thought about life. I thought about the things that I hate. I thought about the things that a loath. I thought about the things that make me sad. I thought about the things that make me cry. I thought about the things I want. Doing a lot of those thinking gave me the ideas of what can make me happy. Those are the things that I want in my life.

The Secret. My sister bought a book titled, “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. I had it with me in the hotel and read it. (Gee...what a very expensive way to read a book!) Ok. Getting back. The book focuses on the ideas that revolve around what it says to be the most powerful law in the Universe, which is the Law of Attraction. The law of attraction has a variety of definitions. The book explains the law of attraction in a more modern consensus. Technically, it explains how the law of attraction can make one’s life better, or worst, depending on how one manages his thoughts. It teaches about the law of attraction in a New Age way. As the book aptly points out, people focus their thoughts on either what they want or what they do not want. The book explains how things, good and bad, come in one’s life by summoning it through persistent thoughts, whether consciously or unconsciously. But the key to success with intention-manifestation is to keep your thoughts focused on what you desire in life even if it doesn’t show any presence in your life at all. Let’s just say; you dream of becoming a big Hollywood Superstar though you look like a shit. You just need to think about it persistently till you die, I mean, till you get what you want and become a Hollywood Superstar. Everything in the universe, again, good or bad, vibrates in a unique level of frequency, as the book says. The key is to make your thoughts in sync with the frequency of the things around you. Ok. To make it simple: Your thoughts create who and what you are. The more you think of the good things or the things that you want in life, the greater your chance of getting them. And the more you think about the things that you don’t want the more miserable you’ll become. So if you want to get something you have to think of it persistently. You do not need to worry about how it’s going to happen because the universe will find its own way of arranging everything for you. Wow! Is that how it really works? I believe so. It is just all about being optimistic actually. According to the book you need to follow three steps:

1. Ask
2. Believe
3. Receive

Know what you want and ASK the universe for it. This is where you need to get clear and be sure of yourself what you really want to get/want to be in life. BELIEVE that what you desire is already on its way. This is where you focus your thoughts on your object of desire. You have to feel and behave that it is on its way – even if it means tricking yourself into believing that what you desire and want is coming true (remember the Hollywood Superstar example I gave you earlier! That is a very good example of tricking yourself. You’ll never know...the universe might hear it.) And be prepared to RECEIVE it. You have to pay attention on the signs that the universe is giving you and that you have to align yourself with it.

If you think about being happy, joyful, successful, lively, lovely, perfect, then you are using the law of attraction correctly. You are using it in a positive way. A straight out of “Ask and it is Given.” But if you are thinking of being depressed, lonely, poor, broke, ugly, loveless, then you are using the law of attraction in a very, very destructive way. And I think that is the reason why I can’t seem to move on. I am being nostalgic with all the bad things that happened and am focusing as well on the bad things that are happening and now the universe is giving me what I am thinking. Dang I might right...I will never be happy if I will continue being lonely.

The book is great. The idea of the law of attraction has been known to everyone for ages. It has been there ever since humans started to think rationally. But the problem is not knowing how to use it the positive way. The Secret brings these positive ideas to people to choose the thoughts they hold each day. It encourages people to be positive on everything and just focus on manifesting what they want.

On the other side: The book somehow failed to link God as the superior being in the universe. The book focuses our hope Selfward and not Godward, as what as Don Whitney said. The book teaches how one can be the God of his own. It teaches how one can be the masterpiece of his life and how he can be the Michael Angelo of his life. It clearly states that you create your own destiny...what you are right now is the result of all your thoughts, be it good or bad. This will be a bit unfair to sick people – obviously you cannot say “You are sick and going to die because that is the result of your thoughts!” or “You were raped because that is what you’ve been thinking about!”

I do believe the power of the law of attraction. But I also believe that there is a superior being above us, not the universe, who arranges everything for us. But in general, I like the book, and I will strongly suggest reading it for self-help.

Feast of the Black Nazarene

Yes. I was there last Friday. I was amongst the very large group of people in Quiapo, Manila who came to celebrate the Feast of the Black Nazarene. It was my first time, but I think I will find myself again in the same crowd next year. Yes. I’ll be there again next year.

Time Check: 8:30am. I lied. My mom asked me where I was going and I told her I’ll just do some walking outside. But she knows I never walked outside. She then asked me, “Are you really going to Quiapo?” Haha- Told her I was just joking when I told them the other night that I’ll go to Quiapo to witness the Feast of the Black Nazarene. Mom reminded me about last year’s feast...about the few people who died. Haha – told her again, “I am not going there!”

But I did. For a purpose.

Time Check: 10:00am. I reached LRT Carriedo Station. There were a lot of people. Actually, thousands of people wander the street of Carriedo going to Quiapo Church. I was surprised to see all the people, and was even more surprised to see myself amongst the crowd. You’ll never find me in any event like that – be it a political or spiritual thing. I hate going to such places of gathering – I hate the noise and the stink of diverse union of human sweat. It is just too troublesome going to such a very crowded gathering. I began asking myself- “What the hell am I doing here?!? This isn’t me!!!” But I was already there anyway. So why not witness the Feast? I asked the old woman standing beside if she has any idea what time approximately the Black Nazarene will arrive in Quiapo. I was answered – “siguro mga alas-singko ng hapon” (maybe around 5pm.) I stood just under the LRT Carriedo for a few minutes when I realized I didn’t take anything for breakfast. It would be a long wait so I deciced to grab something to eat first. 300 Php was all I have in my coin purse. I intentionally didn’t bring my wallet. In a place like Quiapo with a crowd of thousands of people to celebrate the Feast – you cannot really be safe from the petty thieves lurking around amongst the big number of potential victims. I had two orders of Siomai (Chinese Dimsum) and a glass of Black Gulaman in a nearby Food Stand. Solve – it was enough to keep my stomach calm.

Time Check: 10:45am. I decided to go to Quiapo Church first while I wait for the Black Nazarene. The crowd was even larger in Quiapo Church. One cannot almost move but everything seems ok since no pushing happened during the mass . It took me about half an hour before I was able to get close enough to the gate. The crowd was thick but slowly moved in unison towards the exit after the mass. I went back to Carriedo and glued myself again with the waiting crowd. I stood beside an old man carrying an image of Jesus Christ in the cross and asked him questions like I was a newbie reporter of some big news station. The old man gladly answered my queries and even let me carry the Image of Jesus Christ. I told him it was my first time joining the Feast of the Black Nazarene, and the old man happily answered – “Sana magkita ulit tayo sa susunod the pyesta.” (I hope to see you again next year), and he walked away. It was sad I didn’t even think of getting the old man’s name.

I bought myself a necklace with a wooden pendant of the Black Nazarene. For souvenir – I told myself. Three little girls selling sampaguita approached me when they saw me fishing in my coin purse. “Kuya bili ka na sampaguita- sampung piso lang po.” I said no – but smiling at the little girls. Then one blurted out – “Ay ang ganda naman ng kwintas mo kuya”, so I asked her if she wants one. All the little-sampaguita-girls said “Opo!” So I walked again to the man where I purchased the Necklace of the Black Nazarene and bought three more necklaces and gave them to the sampaguita-girls. The simple words they told me surprised me when I handed them the Necklaces. They said, one by one, “Maraming salamat po kuya!” It hit me. The way they said “Thank you” was so sincere. I felt a slight tremor in my heart – and believe me... I almost wanted to cry. Three little-sampaguita-girls thanked me so sincerely that it made me so happy. I have never heard anyone...none...in my entire life...said “thank you” in that most sincere way. I then realized this world would have been a better place if all people know how to say “Thank you” the way the three little-sampaguita-girls did.

Time Check: 12:50pm. I heard that the Black Nazarene was already in front of Manila City Hall. And being the very impatient me, I decided to walk against the procession to get near the Black Nazarene. I started going against the flow...which is very me. It will take few more hours for the Black Nazarene to reach Quiapo from the City Hall and I cannot wait that long. I told myself, “I need to get near the Black Nazarene.” I was walking briskly against the crowd...but the crowd that I was moving against was different from the crowd in Quiapo Church. They aren’t moving in unison now, but randomly. I felt the crowd moving stronger and faster, and before I knew it I was already in the centre of the crowd just a few feet away from the Black Nazarene. We were in front of Park and Ride Terminal in Lawton. It was terribly difficult. It was hard to breathe. I got scared and I wanted to back out. At that moment, I wanted to just disappear instantly. I was asking myself- “Why did I go here?!? Why am I doing this?!?” I tried to move away from the centre... I tried to move away from the Black Nazarene. I was pushing myself against the people walking with their arms locked together. I wanted to get away! But a man asked me- “Lalabas ka ba o papasok pa lang?” I didn’t answer him. I had no time to answer. I told myself there is no turning back. I already reached that far and I am going to do it! And using all the remaining strength that I have (naks!) I pushed myself further inside the crowd until I had the rope in my right hand. Yep! I made it! I couldn’t believe it. And while I was there - holding onto the rope trying not to trip and be pushed away, I silently made my personal prayer. I was able to hold onto the rope for one good minute when I was finally pushed aside. I got two handkerchiefs with me, and instinctively, I threw it to one of the men guarding the Black Nazarene. I don’t know how it happened but when he threw my handkerchiefs back, it really went straight into my hands. Like a sort of mysterious force guided my hankies back to me. It would have been impossible to get my hankies back in a crowd like that but all the towel and hankies being thrown seem to go back to their righteous owners.

When I arrived home, I handed my mom one of my handkerchief. She was surprised. Told her I made it, and she asked me again, "Nagpunta ka ba talaga?", haha. I went straight to my room, silently said a little prayer, and fell asleep completely happy and full of hope.

And you know what they say when you get close enough to the Black Nazarene....more so if you are able to hold onto the rope. I am happy I made it. And hopefully, things will be better for me moving forward.

I am happy, am I not?!?

A friend asked me if I’m ok...told him I’m not. I can say I’m not sad but I’d be lying if I did. Yep I am not happy with what I am doing. I’m totally not satisfied with most in my life. Something is missing, but the picture isn’t clear. The more I am near the thing I want the less visible it becomes. Damn. Thought I was near sighted.

I don’t believe in changes. I never changed. The man I am right now is the same man that was born 24 years ago. I was born this way and I will die this way. This is me from the very start. Hard to decipher. Hard to deal with. Hard to befriend. But once you get to know me that’s when the fun begins...but that doesn’t mean you already know who I really am. You still don’t know what’s going on inside my mind...what I am thinking...what I am planning. You still don’t have any idea as to what I want in life. You’ll never know. Coz even I cannot answer that sane question.

I am lazy. I get tired easily. I get sick easily. I get pissed off easily. I get mad easily. I laugh easily. I love easily. I forgive easily. I forget easily. I lose my focus easily. I get confused easily. I hate falling-in-love-so-easily. I hate myself for being so nostalgic. I hate being alone. I hate being with unknown people. I hate drinking with people I don’t know. I hate washing the dishes. I hate cleaning my room. I hate sports. I hate the blast of my alarm clock when I need to get up from bed. I hate being ordered to do a task. I hate being monitored. I hate being watched. I hate being the subject matter of any discussion. I hate hearing people talk about me. I hate being asked stupid questions. I hate stupid people who ask stupid questions. I hate intelligent people asking stupid questions with very obvious answers. I hate being on the spotlight. I hate it when it rains. I hate it when I sweat too much. I hate being bothered when I am online. I hate being bothered when I am jacking off in the bath. I hate being sucked sloppily. I hate getting collection notice from my cell phone provider. I hate being stepped-on. I hate seeing people suffer from anything. I hate hearing shouts and curses. I hate loud people. I hate people who do not know how to listen. I hate people who talk too much. I hate taking calls. I hate fixing other agents screws. I hate the stupid leaders of this country. I hate leaders who aren’t supposed to be leaders. I hate my job. I hate my ex. I hate my almost-girlfriend. I hate a lot things and I like only a few. I hate myself.

I was told that I could be a good leader and that I have the ability to direct people. Funny thing is, I couldn’t even tell myself the right thing to do. I just want to drink beer and get sick after. I enjoy it most when I drink alone. I love talking to myself. I love telling myself my opinion on something and I love countering it. I was told I am a good conversationalist. I was told I am brilliant. I was told I am intelligent. I was told I am a good friend. I was told I am a good lover. I was told I am sweet. I was told I am needed. All these are just craps! I would always brush my responsibilities off and get lame excuses to escape from any assigned task. That is where I am good at...and that’s why I mess up so often. I don’t have a dream.

I only want to be happy.

I am happy, am I not?

LEAVING "NOW" FOREVER

I can’t command my heart to leave whatever it is that’s holding it back
Hurtful words I told myself couldn’t take me off this grave
Now I’m down, feet are tied, tucked in my own cosmos illogical to everyone
Randomly writing off all the happy thoughts one by one

Almost
Nothing
Is left
But NOW

No. I’m leaving now forever for the rest of our lives.

HELLO!

To see my previous entries, pls click on the link below:

http://yffar-edlacer.blog.friendster.com/