Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I am happy, am I not?!?

A friend asked me if I’m ok...told him I’m not. I can say I’m not sad but I’d be lying if I did. Yep I am not happy with what I am doing. I’m totally not satisfied with most in my life. Something is missing, but the picture isn’t clear. The more I am near the thing I want the less visible it becomes. Damn. Thought I was near sighted.

I don’t believe in changes. I never changed. The man I am right now is the same man that was born 24 years ago. I was born this way and I will die this way. This is me from the very start. Hard to decipher. Hard to deal with. Hard to befriend. But once you get to know me that’s when the fun begins...but that doesn’t mean you already know who I really am. You still don’t know what’s going on inside my mind...what I am thinking...what I am planning. You still don’t have any idea as to what I want in life. You’ll never know. Coz even I cannot answer that sane question.

I am lazy. I get tired easily. I get sick easily. I get pissed off easily. I get mad easily. I laugh easily. I love easily. I forgive easily. I forget easily. I lose my focus easily. I get confused easily. I hate falling-in-love-so-easily. I hate myself for being so nostalgic. I hate being alone. I hate being with unknown people. I hate drinking with people I don’t know. I hate washing the dishes. I hate cleaning my room. I hate sports. I hate the blast of my alarm clock when I need to get up from bed. I hate being ordered to do a task. I hate being monitored. I hate being watched. I hate being the subject matter of any discussion. I hate hearing people talk about me. I hate being asked stupid questions. I hate stupid people who ask stupid questions. I hate intelligent people asking stupid questions with very obvious answers. I hate being on the spotlight. I hate it when it rains. I hate it when I sweat too much. I hate being bothered when I am online. I hate being bothered when I am jacking off in the bath. I hate being sucked sloppily. I hate getting collection notice from my cell phone provider. I hate being stepped-on. I hate seeing people suffer from anything. I hate hearing shouts and curses. I hate loud people. I hate people who do not know how to listen. I hate people who talk too much. I hate taking calls. I hate fixing other agents screws. I hate the stupid leaders of this country. I hate leaders who aren’t supposed to be leaders. I hate my job. I hate my ex. I hate my almost-girlfriend. I hate a lot things and I like only a few. I hate myself.

I was told that I could be a good leader and that I have the ability to direct people. Funny thing is, I couldn’t even tell myself the right thing to do. I just want to drink beer and get sick after. I enjoy it most when I drink alone. I love talking to myself. I love telling myself my opinion on something and I love countering it. I was told I am a good conversationalist. I was told I am brilliant. I was told I am intelligent. I was told I am a good friend. I was told I am a good lover. I was told I am sweet. I was told I am needed. All these are just craps! I would always brush my responsibilities off and get lame excuses to escape from any assigned task. That is where I am good at...and that’s why I mess up so often. I don’t have a dream.

I only want to be happy.
I am happy, am I not?

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