Monday, March 23, 2009

Someday, when my dogs are old enough to talk...

“Heaven and Earth have sworn that the truth shall remain forever hidden”
Isaac Bashevis Singer, “The Dead Fiddler”

and from this moment on, it will be.


Someday, when my dogs are old enough to speak, they might tell you the truth I showed you late, and you failed to understand. I wish I was born a dog so you’d take time to listen to me…and maybe hug me, and walk me, and let me sleep beside you in bed, and maybe love me unconditionally too. I’ll let my dogs do the job I failed to do.

In a short period of time… everything that I, we, had been slowly putting up into a reality of forever happiness crumbled down into gazillions of pieces…irredeemable…and now you tagged it as just a waste of time. Mistakes are, sometimes, needed to come up with the right one. Mathematicians, physicists, scientists, made thousands of mistakes before they came up with their theories, formulas, and inventions. Why can’t I have a second chance?

Tonight should have been a perfect one. A warm but nice weather, a cold glass of chocolate drink, fast internet connection, a very silent night… I have everything I need to get this done in a jiffy. But I don’t have any inspiration at all. I am breaking down. Just another lonely night I need to get through. I thought I’d never write another entry after my previous. Half a life is what I have now. I guess I still have a little strength remaining to make my brain and hands work. And I also somehow realized the need to continue writing while I still can… while I am still alive. I need to let you know what I failed to tell you when I was younger - when I was still immature. Yes. Someday, when my dogs are old enough to talk… maybe you’d start listening to what I have to explain. I lied about one page of my life, but I swear… The person I showed you is the real me and not just the person I thought you’d want to see. It was the real me you learned to love, and it is also the real me you now hate. I am sorry it ended up this way.

I still wish to play with you in the snow. Maybe someday we'll find it wasn't really wasted time.

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