HEAT TRANSFER

I have totally reduced myself to a complete boredom. I am totally not satisfied with where I am at life. I feel it’s about time to do something meaningful before I end up killing myself, but I don‘t know where and how to start. Now that my youngest sister is graduating in college, I feel the desire to go back to school and finish my mechanical engineering degree, or maybe get a different degree, or anything - like, eerrr, cosmetology, just for the heck of getting a diploma. Got four choices right now. I would either finish my ME degree, or take up nursing, or fine arts, or conservatory of music. Anything just to let people know I have some use too. I’m afraid I am becoming someone worthless now - for real. Huge time and opportunities were already wasted. Most of them cannot be recovered - like a cracked egg that will soon rot. I am actually an epitome of an unsold-cracked egg that has no future but to waste bag. My youngest sister will graduate this April. And yes…all my siblings have their diplomas and degrees. And I’m the only one who sucks. OUCH!!!

I am planning to move outside the country. I want to work and study at the same time, if possible. I told my sister about my plan of studying in the US but she just laughed in my face. “Hala, ang tamad-tamad mo nga bumalik sa school tsaka wala ka ngang pang-tuition dito tapos sa US mo pa balak mag-aral?” Well, she has a point there. It may sound unrealistic to some. But I feel the urge to be successful… I want it… before I die, or before I kill myself. I know I should be doing this for myself, but I’m not. I am doing this to prove people that I‘m more than just a dirt bag. If that also means doing this for myself, that I do not know. I just want to have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask for it.

I applied at Monbukagakusho - Japanese Government Scholarship last 2004. I was planning to get a double degree in engineering then, Mechanical and Electrical, and then get a Masteral degree right after. I was so certain it’s what I want and that I can do it. Only problem was I failed to submit all the requirements needed - I failed to provide them my transcript of record from Mapua. Oh… I really don’t want to discuss it. But alright, I’ll tell you why, but never dare laugh at me. I had a balance of 13,000 pesos in Mapua and I couldn’t get my transcript without paying the balance in full. Yes….13 Thousand effing Pesos ONLY. It may be a small amount, but was not for my family at that time. My father at that time was undergoing an intensive-and-expensive medication. He’d been in and out of the hospital - St. Lukes to Makati Med to Manila Doctors. He had cancer and other sort of complications to his internal organs because of it. More than a hundred thousand effing Pesos every month - excluding the medicines that he had to take. He had his retirement benefits and medical insurances but those didn’t help a lot. Money was a big issue. During that time, I used to go to school with only a hundred bucks in my pocket - 60 of which goes to transportation, and the rest will be spent on whatever I’d be needing in my whole day class including food. I almost had nothing for food. That was when I realized the value of money. ’Twas 1,200 pesos per unit during my last two terms in Mapua, if my memory serves me right. And that was when I studied the most… I certainly cannot afford to fail a single subject. During that time I also worked as a student assistant in the registrars office encoding students’ subject load. But my main goal was to get a scholarship, for that was the only way I can continue my studies. A grade point average of 1.00 - 1.50 (1.00 being the highest and 5.00 the lowest) will get me qualified for a full academic scholarship - which was nearly impossible to get. I never heard anyone in my batch who was able to get a full academic scholarship. A grade point average of 1.51 - 1.75 will qualify me for a half-academic scholarship - and that was my target. During my second to the last term in Mapua, I got 1.83 GPA. Obviously it wasn’t good enough. I told my mom I’ll try to get the scholarship next term - so I enrolled again, but I only made a down payment and not the full amount. It was a make or break situation for me. Getting a GPA of 1.75 would save me half of my school expenses. I was on my 4th year then - all major subjects. When all my classmates where just targeting to pass and get a grade of 3.00, I was targeting 1.75 GPA. I did good, almost. Got myself exempted in the final exam of two of my subjects: Thermodynamics 2 and Strength of Materials. All the details I remember - clear and precise. I was the only student in my professors classes who got exempted in the final exam. I thought I’d get the scholarship. But - I did not. I got a GPA of 1.78... A difference of 0.03 to what I needed! Damn!!! What went wrong?!? I cried when I saw my class card - I got a grade of 2.00 in Heat Transfer!!! That bullshit professor only gave me a grade of 2.0!!! I immediately went to my professor to ask about my grade. He told me I missed an exam during one of my absences. He showed me his class record - the date when my class took the exam…and it showed I wasn’t around. Thoughts started to meander my restless mind. He was smiling at me while he was explaining what happened to my grade. I wanted to punch the old bastard until his face flattens on his desk. He was still explaining my grade but I walked out on him… I walked away without uttering a word. That was the end. I gave up.

I willingly stopped from my studies to help save money for my father’s medication. One of my university professor referred me to the Monbukagakusho - Japanese Scholarship program. It’s a scholarship given by the Japanese government to students who are willing to study in Japan and study their language for a year and continue a degree of his choice in a Japanese University. It’s a free education with monthly stipend given to the scholar - how can you be so lucky! Oh well… I had everything ready at that time, had been frequenting the Japanese Embassy Library to study and prepare for the exam. All were set except for my transcript of record - because I could not pay the 13,000 effing pesos balance in Mapua. I was 20 back then. I told my professor about my problem and told him I’ll get the scholarship the next year. That’s when I became an official member of Philippine - OSY (out-of-school-youth, LOL), and started to work in MSE. A year after my first attempt, I learned that only students who are 20yo and below can get the Monbukagakusho scholarship. Oh fuck! And so again, I gave up.

I have been looking for colleges and universities in the US that may have scholarships available for foreign monkeys. My passport will be delivered on the 17th. Yes, that’s the first step and I’m done with it. Heck, what am I gonna do with just a passport alone?!? I need to find a school that will let this stupid-Asian-monkey study and work at the same time abroad. If getting a degree is a part of my purpose in life, I do not know. I just want to move outside the country and have a paper to shove people’s faces in case they ask of it - and I think that is it. I still don’t know what my real purpose in life is. I remember asking a colleague in CVG before (Belle) about what her real purpose in life is. I asked her when we were texting each other, "what if your purpose in life already happened when you were still a kid… when you stepped on a dog-shit acidentally, and, that’s it. What if that’s the only reason why your were born and raised in the Philippines? What if that was your main role in the universe? Just to step on a dog-shit… papayag ka ba?" She answered, "Ang babaw naman nun! Di man lang ako magiging politician?! Di man lang ako magiging mayaman?!" I told her, "Well, we’ll never know. We might have already served our purpose in life, but as rational beings, we tend to make the most out of our lives that we dream of becoming this and that someday. We can die after we have served our purpose of living." I waited for her text message, but she didn’t answer back. She probably realized I wasn’t worth-talking to.