Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I locked myself again in my own cosmos (what’s new, ei?). Been away for almost two weeks. Well, I thought about what I really want to do with my life. I want to move outside the country, find happiness, and start over. But damn, getting a working visa to the US is freaking-hard. It seems positive thinking isn’t working for me. The great secret I discovered a month and some days ago isn’t working. Fuck.

My internet connection was down for a couple of days and I am still thinking if I will call Smart and ask for credit for the days I wasn’t able to use their freaking service. Well, the internet really consumes most of my time at home. But my internet being down became like a blessing in disguise. I had the time to do the other things that I neglected the past months. I was finally able to clean my room...was able to dispose the porn dvds and vcds that I had been wanting to throw away (I wonder if any of the Sunday garbage collectors got hold of my porn collection...lucky him)... and...hmmm...what else...yeah...I was able to sleep well.

My mom already know that I had resigned from my job. I was surprised that she wasn’t super-surprised. She normally over-react on things. She only asked me why. I told her I do not know. I just wanted to rest and give myself a break. Got tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired at work. I had to end the almost never-ending cycle of being sick and tired. Resigning was just a temporary-quick-fix to my daily suffering at work. Now that I am jobless...and running out of money...I am starting to realize I should have not quit the job. But hey hey hey... there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Time to move on, even to uncertainty.

I bought myself a new running shoes. Bought the Nike Lunarlite. Cool. Kulay green. My mom asked me, “Why did you get green??? Parang pambabae...tsaka baduy”. Nah...that’s the only color it has. I like the shoes. Very comfy (well it bloody should! Limang libo kaya sya –may sukli lang limang piso!) Pero limang beses ko palang sya pinang jogging. It’s too troublesome. Pagnagkapera ako ng malaki magpapa-lipo nalang ako.

Malungkot na naman ako. Galit na naman ako. I am starting to hate everyone again. People don’t seem to care much about me. Tang-ina, oo na, kulang kasi ako sa pansin eh! I am very far from what is normal and acceptable behaviour. Kaya siguro konti lang ang kaibigan ko. May toyo. Baliw. Ewan. Minsan gusto ko nalang sirain buhay ko para pansinin ako ng mga minamahal ko. I normally don't write in Filipino, pero tang-ina, tinatagalog ko na lang para mas madaling maintindihan. But I am trying to love myself more now. After all – it is I who can only love myself unconditionally. Torturing myself and letting myself wallow in deep pain, I guess, is my own way of loving myself. I noticed I tend to enjoy and seek self-suffering now. Yes... I am a masochist. But dang, right I might, no one will ever love me unless I learn to love myself.

I just want to be needed by the people I love. The feeling that you’re not needed by the one you need is terrible. I might consider cancelling my mobile phone for good. Di naman sya nagtetex. Di naman sila nagtetex. No one’s texting or calling me!!! Parate bang ako nalang dapat unang magtetex??? Tanginang buhay yan. Wala na nga akong trabaho, wala pang nagmamahal at mga kaibigan. Sucks to be me, ei?

Gusto kong maging bida. Gusto ko ako yung superhero. Gusto ko ako yung leading man. Pero di yun ang nangyayari. Sa buhay ko parang ako yung kontrabidang pinapatay...ako yung kalabang halimaw na sinusugpo...ako yung third-party na talunan sa love triangle...pakingshet. I’m just another person standing on someone else’s shadow. Just a supporting role in a love story.
I got no one to hug but my knees. Wish there’s someone willing to keep me warm at night.

Beer pa!!!

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