Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sudden Twist of Plot

"It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today."
- Robert Hastings

And so, why am I here again, you ask.

I mentioned somewhere, prolly in facebook or twitter, that I am saying goodbye to yffarsworld. I'm sorry, but I wasn't really sure with it when I made that statement. I was just really sad that day that I wanted to forget, literally, everything and everyone that has something to do with my existence, and start a whole new life. I'm not happy with what's goin on. Reinventing myself sounds a great idea, I thought. Getting falsified documents under a different name is the start, then I'll fly to a different country and disappear from everyone I know, change my looks, prolly get a major cosmetic surgery, and never return to the Philippines for good and let everyone wonder where I am about, and wait for myself to be declared "pressumed dead" after couple of years. It sounds a pretty good plan, but I don't know if I can really do it. I thought about suicide, and being gone for good, but I know I am stronger than that. I mean, I want to die and disappear with honor. Come on, how can I end my life as Raffy when I haven't even proved anything yet?

Another question:
Why am I so negative in life??? And you ask, why did I label myself "Hari ng Sablay" and "The King of Nothing to do"? Well, those are just facts about myself that I've learned to accept and embrace.

May Pinagmanahan ba kamo?:
I know my mom is almost-always negative in everything she says and think about. She's almost-always full of cynicisms... starting every sentence with "Ay 'sus" (Oh, Jesus / Oh, Christ / OMG), worrying about tomorrow when today's problem hasn't even started yet, and more of blah-blah-blah-shit-blahness. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a very good mom and I will never exchange her for 1 Million Dollars (make it a Billion Dollars and I might consider it, LOL) --- Of course not! She's not perfect, but for me she's the greatest. It's only her being so negative that we hate about her.

Now it got me thinking... Maybe other people are also starting to hate me now because of the same negativity that lives in me, (insert sniffle here). I'm certain I got it from my mom (insert another sniffle here). Sabi nila emo daw ako. I remember a friend asking me, "why do you thrive in loneliness and sadness?" I forgot what I answered him. More likely it was another negative answer. He's my bestfriend, but I haven't heard from him for a while now. Maybe he's gone tired listening to all my dilemmas (sniffle here again). Well, I surely cannot blame him. But I want to thank him.

>>>So Jaime, a big thanks.<<<

At the rate my life is going, I can honestly say it doesn't hold any meaning. Only my family, and maybe a few friends, would cry if I die right this moment. Then after a year or two, I'm history. Not worth-remembering. Looking back, my life has always been a disappointment. Puro yabang lang ako. Oo. But I don't want to die as meaningless as I am right now. I may have the attitude of running away and brushing responsibilities off my shoulder, be it at work and home and everything in between, but just like Naruto, I also want to be recognized. And why did Naruto get in the scene? Wala lang.XD Problem is I'm just too lazy to do what needs to be done. Well, I keep on getting a lot of "what-if's" in my mind. So I guess I still care about myself, and my dream of being recognized is not dead after all. The will is just hiding someplace inside me, maybe. Just waiting for its time to shine (whoa, parang shampoo commercial lang ah, LOL). Hey, don't panic, alright. I'm not about to die today. What I want to say is that life is short no matter how long I might live. It might be the end of the world tomorrow and not in 2012, for all we know. So, I might as well make it meaningful and make a great twist of plot in my biography that everyone will remember.

I went to Mapua the other week and inquired about enrolling next year. Oh yeah, I did! Going back to school is something that I have to face sooner or later. Better deal with it while I'm still young. Maybe getting a degree will be the start of a new me. Getting a new girlfriend might also be a start, but I'm afraid to enter such a relationship when I can't even take care of myself. I'm not really sure, but everything is worth-trying. It will no longer be the same when I go back in school. I won't be seeing the same faces and I'll be the kuya of my future class. Fuck that! But as I have said, it is something that I have to face sooner or later. My last year in Mapua was the hardest time for me when I was studying. That was the time when my father got sick. I was going to school with just 80 pesos in my pocket. Imagine that. Considering I was travelling from Alabang to Manila, I almost had nothing for food. Other memories of my school days flashed back as I walk inside the campus. I remembered my friends Bon, Edward, Men, Mahal, Hannah (my crush, teee heee! XD), and the rest of B131. The walls and buildings in Mapua also caught my attention. It has been there since 1925, yet, with its age and the damages it incurred through the years of its existence, the school remained standing pround and tall. It's nothing extra-ordinary. Just like the rest of the buildings in Intramuros, it just an old artificial environment made of concrete...and metals and wood...decorated with glasses and flourescent lighting and blah-blah-shit-blah. Toneless. Lifeless, it is. It doesn't show any feeling or emotion, yet, it has a slight tremor, but a strong echo of pride and honor and memories all its own, like it has a life of its own. This might not sound right, but maybe, just maybe, I need to learn to be unemotional to stand life, like the stones in each wall of Mapua. I know it's not going to work that way all the time. But sometimes, being emotionless is needed to remain standing.

"A ninja's life is not measured by how he lived, but rather what he managed to accomplish before his death."
- Jiraiya Sama

Image grabbed from here
Sad, Jiraiya-Sama is dead. Naruto Shippuuden will not be the same again without the pervy Sage. But he played his cards so well, he'll always be remembered. RIP Erro-Sennin.

If I can't be an engineer, or an artist, or a musician, I want to be at least a ninja, though I know it's impossible. XD Kidding aside, what Jiraiya said is absolutely profound. What do you think?

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