My Cat Kicked the Bucket

I have not had the time to give my bloggie a little update. I don't know, but there was actually a point when I thought what I was doing - writing about things that nobody really gives a shit about, was just a waste of time. Turned out it really was. Nobody even reads this blog for all I know. I had been spending too much time on the internet. I liked it because that's where I get social updates. But I realized I was missing a lot more than what I was getting from the virtual world. I had been, literally, wasting time. So i decided to temporarily put it off. Getting out of the box and discovering the real world, as what I call it.

The roads I am walking on are getting a little bit rocky again. I envy most of my friends. They know what they want in life, and they really are working hard to get them. Like they all have the inspiration that keeps them moving, and living. Like their lives are made of perfect circle and straight bold lines...clear, definite and complete. Well, I believe mine is also made of lines, only that they are dotted and they take shapes and forms in ways even I cannot predict and understand, hehe. There were so many things I wanted to do. They're so many that I didn't know what to do first and where to begin. 10 years ago, I was thinking I'd be a successful engineer by the time I reach 25. That I would have a million pesos in my bank account when I reach 27. And by 30 I'd have my own house, and car, and I'd be living with a family of my own...happy and fulfilled. Disappointingly, my life is far from what I was planning 10 years ago. I am over 25 (and overweight) and I am still undecided of so many things. Nothing significantly big happened in my life yet...no accomplishment and whatnot. I'm a failure, and that's the reality I have to admit myself sooner or later. I'm not proud of it, believe me, but I am not afraid to admit it neither. Know your weakness and acknowledge it so you would know how to make yourself better - that is something I read somewhere. This is the problem when you draw a plan for yourself and you fail to make them a reality. It's like hitting yourself with a hammer you bought yourself using your hard-earned money. How frustrating that is. I want to move on and set my priorities again. But I don't know where to begin.

I will be another year older, a month and some days from now. I actually am getting closer, each year, to death. Or maybe, I am now nearer my death than my birth. Who knows. Let me ask you, if you were given the chance to know how much time you have left to live, would you want to know it? You'd be able to prepare yourself and do things that you have never done before - like... errr... seeing something majestic or getting a tattoo or maybe having sex with the sexiest and most beautiful girl you swoon over. I was thinking it would be liberating to know how much time you have left to work on. Like a preparation, a review for the exam, before you kick the bucket and answer the gatekeeper's questions. Yes, it is probably liberating. But I don't know if people who have cancer and people who know they're about to die anytime soon see it that way. More likely not.

We had a new cat. Yes, we HAD a new cat. We had him about two weeks and some days ago, and now he's dead. My youngest sister got it from a grade school or high school friend of hers in Alabang. It’s just an ordinary cat, local - to be exact, just like the dirty ones you see wandering the streets of Manila. Ash died and I am really sad. He was only a month old...real small kitten. He was so small that my older sister didn't notice him playing around the kitchen while she was washing the dishes. To make the story short, my sister, who happens to have an eyesight over 10 times worse than mine and who happens to be real careless, stepped on him. And by the force of destiny or whatsoever fucked-up fate that is, my sister stepped on my cat's head...as if it was a predestined condition reflex - she stepped on Ash's head...he died. This wasn't the first time my sister killed a pet. When I was in elementary, and she was in high school, I remember, she also stepped on a puppy silently sleeping by the front door. The puppy also died. My sister is not overweight, if you think she is. I wasn't exaggerating it when I said her eyesight is over 10 times worse than mine. It really is. I only wear eyeglasses with grades of 200, and I have astigmatism of over 200. So just imagine my sister's eyesight. Ok ok ok...she never wanted to kill Ash. It was an accident. But I still hate her for killing my new cat. Now my sister has a new title, aside from being the house's "walking disaster". She's now the house's "pet-killer". Ash...I miss you. Huhuhuhu....

I lurrrv pets. Dogs and cats. And it really breaks my heart to see a pet die. You know how these cute and lovable creatures get into our hearts. We have had dogs all my life. Cats came when I was in high school. Muning, the cat who stayed with us the longest, died last January. We had her for over 12 years. I was in first year high school when we got her from our neighbor. Muning was a really good housecat. Great hunter. And a great cat-whore too. She gets herself pregnant, with out a husband, every year. Woohoo, what a horny cat! Teee heee! XD But you know, I believe Muning really planned it all. I don’t believe she was just that horny as a cat. It was a solid plan. A systematic tactic. Well, being the head of the tribe of cats in our house, Muning didn’t just make sure her hunting ability gets better. She also made sure she increases her tribe's members each year, thus, allowing themselves to kill rats more efficiently. I lost count of the number of cats we had during Muning’s reign. Pretty sure we had a lot. Muning was the very first cat we had, and when she died we thought she’d also be the last. Ash came to take her place, but he's gone too soon.

We were just practicing his springing and pouncing abilities the other day...

and now he's gone. (Insert sniffle here...)

Cavity Monster (a humbling experience)

I settled myself into a reclined padded seat, and she took out something that, from the corner of my eyes, looked very suspicious. OMG, please, no, NOOOOOO!!!! And I thought I was going to die, right there and then.

What I wrote above is not an excerpt from some lunatic-horror-movie. That, I thought, was what going to happen. Well, I paid a visit to the dentist last Sunday - an extra-curricular activity that one should be doing once or several times a year (see…I don‘t even know how often it’s supposed to be done), which I had been putting off since I graduated from High School. I am not really afraid of the dentist. I have just been too busy from school and work that I didn’t notice I had been ignoring my teeth. Good thing going to the dentist at least once a year was a school requirement when I was in High School. Buti na lang. @_@

And so last week - I finally felt something that I never felt since I was in grade school. I got toothache. Pretty embarrassing because I had to absent myself from work. Come on, how can one with a toothache concentrate at work?

My dentist was a petite woman, cute, in her twenties. She was maybe my age. I wanted to back out when I learned that it was going to be a young lady dentist. I am not discriminating the lady dentist (though I really believe that men are always better than women, haha). It was just that, the thought of drooling and spitting and crying in agony in front of a kinda-cute lady was a definite minus-pogi-points.

And so, she asked me to settle myself into the reclined seat, and soon she was cleaning and probing and poking my teeth nonchalantly. For some reason, the tube that was supposed to suck the water from my mouth was not doing what its job was. The dentist didn’t realize it, so while she was busy examining my teeth - I called her attention and pointed at my mouth, and said “Madami na pong tubig, doc”, although it sounded like “Mmmmarghgh ggkkkggkkk qqookk”. But being a highly trained professional that she was, she understood what I said perfectly. “Oooops, don’t swallow”, she said. But she was nano-second late. I accidentally, thus unwillingly, swallowed a portion of the water building inside my mouth (gross). And so she asked me to spit the water and gargle - something that she should have asked me to do before I was forced to swallow. Eek.

“Ay, muntik mo ng maubos ung tubig ah, may tira pa oh, hehehe…” the dentist said, trying to make a joke out of it. Yeah - right.

I am not really a gentleman by nature, but since I need her help, and I find her kinda-cute, I just smiled - though I made it obvious that I was not happy about it. It took her a minute or two to fix the water-sucking- machine. Then she went back with the cleaning and probing and poking my teeth until she came to a certain tooth, at the right-upper back region of my mouth, which had been giving me trouble for a week. Then I heard her say, tsk tsk tsk…something you never want to hear from anyone, especially from a dentist.

“Kailangan nating pastahan ‘to, at tatlong surface ang cover nitong sirang ngipin sa taas. Allowed ng apat ang card mo per year.”

Ah, ok - I said. “Go ahead doc, let‘s do this and be done with it.” I said.

And so I settled back in my padded seat and prepared for the real battle, and she started preparing some metal tools that I had not seen for a decade.

“This might hurt a little”, she said - then started working on it. The feeling was extraordinarily...painful. I felt her drilling in my tooth, reaching and hitting the nerves….and ooohhh… Ouch (times 10 times 10 times 10)!!! Then I passed out.

All is good after an hour. Thank goodness.

Well, with my experience with the dentist, I must say I learned something from it: that getting a toothache is really a humbling experience. I mean, you could be the President of the Philippines, or the richest man in the world, but when you have a rotten teeth…there’s no escape…you’re going to feel the pain whether you like it or not.

Now I wonder, when will my next dental appointment be? Maybe after another 10 years from now. Teee heee! XD

Rising from Blogging Hiatus! (dyaran!)

I'm sorry, but I am really having a hard time maintaining my blogsite because of work and all the post-work lifestyle activities I am into - like going to the gym, jogging, running, dancing, playing basketball, swimming, etc. With all these creative outlets that are more physically healthy and engaging, my time for blogging and writing has suffered. Hmmmkei...they're all lies. Well, I try to jog once in a while. I used to do it every other day, but because of my new schedule at work, jogging before or after work has become quite impossible (ikaw na ang mag jog before 2am and after 11am, sige...hehe) I know I need to further enhance (naks) my writing and communication skills, but bottomline is, that is what I do at work, right? I checked back the date on my last post in my blog. Wow - more than two months ago! This is the longest time I have been away from blogging. Well, what happened wasn't really a self-imposed blogging hiatus. I just got tired. That was just it. Lazy. As usual.

But I'm back now!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOGGIE!!!

Na miss ko ang site ko. It has been more than a year since I moved in Blogger. I forgot to greet my bloggie a happy anniversary. I am sorry, my bloggie. I failed to give you enough time and attention - for I was also busy looking for an equal time and attention. Woohaha, here I go again, doing another emoish-litany-blahness. I am sorry.

Certainly, I cannot live without connecting to the internet each day. Hmmmkei...I really can, but so long as I have access to the web, alam na! As a vital part of my urban lifestyle, this is the place where I get updates from the world. It only sucks that I get to find even the ones that I am not really interested with - to the point that I almost know, though againsts my will, what's going on in other people's "personal" lives.

Raffy says:

Screw you jerks, I don't care! I have my own problems too, yah know, so stop flooding my wall with all your nonsense!!!

Hahaha! XD

But I am guilty. At some point, I unconsciously(?) sent feeds of what I was doing and what I felt, especially when I were emotionally affected with whatever happened recently, without really thinking what others might think of them (or me). @_@ Not that I intend to increase my web presence and make others aware of my existence, just like what others really do. Some, let me say, errr, attention-deprived individuals, literally flood online-networking sites with messages like they own FB and its copyrights and that no one cares. Arrggh. So much for the freedom of expression.

And here's another thing I do not really get...why do some people "like" their own FB status??? One posts a message that says, "I am happy!", and just below it you see his/her username "liking" his/her own message. Redundant is not the word to describe it. I am sorry, but I really find it very stupid. You won't post it on your wall if you don't like it, will you? I have some friends who do that - it

is stupid, but what can I do? They're my friends, hahaha. XD

So much for today. I'm really happy to write my first entry for this year, hoooray! Yeahbah!!! Oh, I remember writing something about Villar and his crappiness in FB some weeks ago.

THE POINT OF THIS POST?

Wala lang. Teee heee! XD You get your own space in FB for your stupid status, so let me have mine. Afterall, this is my space you are looking at. Haha. XD Sige na nga, di ko na papansinin ang statuses nyo. Live and let live.

Ciao!

Lost to the sea (another emo-talk)

Ok, stone me and drown me. I ate my word when I said I was shutting this blog off and that I was happy. Well, I am happy in a way, but happiness doesn't really numb the pain. I ate my words by heartfully pouring my thoughts and my feelings in this blog yet again. Guess I'm not really tired afterall. I thought I was tired of feeling this way, but it appears I still have a lot of emotion and hurt to throw in this blog. I don't want to think I thrive in loneliness and sadness, but I've learned to live with them. I don't enjoy it, really, but this is how I want to be found. Baka maawa kasi sya pag nakita nya akong ganito. Heck, dapat matagal na. Baliw din ako eh. I sometimes wish I can take something to numb the pain, but then again, that pain I wanted to extinguish is the same pain that bears the memories and reasons why I still find myself smiling at times. Pasensya na, hindi ko na mapigilan. Baka bigla na lang ako sumabog. So go ahead, kill me.

I wonder why I continue writing on this emo-slash-forsaken blog. Nobody ever reads this blog for all I know. It's all the same shitness, only different day. Please quit reading if you don't want to read anything negative. This might just add up to your own shitness in life. Life is aleady full of dirt, and I don't want to add up to yours. Feel free to close this window, and hop some site else. I am not giving you the burden to stay and read this almost-endless-emoish litany blah.

BLAH.

I'm not in the mood for anything good. I want to burst. I am starting a new job on Friday, but I'm still not sure if it's what I really want. I've quitted the call whoring job a couple of times, but here I am again entering the same old shit. Gone tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired in the whoring business, but life is really giving me no other choice, or siguro takot lang akong sumubok ng bago. Maybe. I'm tired of getting stupid calls from people asking about equally stupid questions. They're calling because they have issues, and most of the time these issues are just because of plain stupidity. Geez. The world is truly reeking of stupidity, and so does this blog you might say. To make things worse, we, and all the people working in the call whoring business are slowly becoming part of that hellishly moronic population and we don't even notice it. Or maybe it is just me. Dinamay ko pa kayo, pasensya na. About my new job, I will play it by ear. I cannot guarantee that I will last a long time in my new-but-not-new company. I just want to earn enough money to do what needs to be done.

Everyday is a an effing tug-o-war between the rational "I-want-to-be-happy-and-start-over" and the ever hopeful "i-don't-believe-in-changes-and-i-don't-go-back-on-my-word". I'm tired. But I really don't go back on my word. I don't want to.

Dyos mio!

Bakit nga ba ako nag-aaksaya ng oras sa pagsasabi ng mga bagay na para sa iba ay wala namang kakwenta-kwenta at wala ni hibla ng katuturan? Hindi ko alam, pero ang oras at panahon ko ay bahagi ng isang malaking konsepto ng pagkatao ko na mahirap arukin at intindihain kahit na ng mismo kong ulirat. Gusto ko lang ibahagi kahit na alam kong hindi naman ako naiintindihan ng mga taong napapadaan ng hindi sadya sa site na to...kahit na katumbas lang sya ng pag-ihi ko sa pader ng harapan pero kailan man ay di ko pa narinig na nagmura at umihi sa akin ng pabalik. Gaya ng pagbulong ko sa mga alaga kong aso paminsan-minsan ng mga saloobin ko na hindi ko maipasa sa mga tao. Kung minsan kasi, mas tao pa kung makinig ang mga aso kesa sa mga tunay na tao.

I'm sorry for wasting your time. This will be the last, I hope. Next time I'll try to write something funny or useful. Christmas is near.

picture: http://milesgore.deviantart.com/art/Discontent-84487845

Happiness

is a choice. But being happy doesn't always numb the pain and yearning. I want to think that everything is cool, but reality doesn't really match my expectations and desires. (insert sniffle here).

Meron namang naghihintay na jeep na walang laman, pero bakit ba gusto ko pa ring sumakay sa puno na?

HILING

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipin ka
Lalo na sa t'wing nag-iisa
Ano na kayang balita sayo
Naiisip mo rin kaya ako

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala
Wala nang dahilan para lumuha
Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago
Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso
Parang kulang nga kapag ika'y wala

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo...

Ala-ala mong tinangay na ng hangin
Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin
Nasan kana kaya, aasa ba sa wala

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil
Nais ka lamang mahagkan
Nais ka lamang masilayan
Kahit alam kong tapos na
Kahit alam kong wala ka na...

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

-Silent Sanctuary

Sad

I am. Extremely.

Pacquiao Day??? (Nyek!)

I was browsing on a social networking site when I came across this stupid shout-out: "dapat magkaroon ng Pacquiao day ang Pilipinas!" Whaaat???

I wanted to write something about this issue, but I feel really lazy. Instead, I want you guys to visit Tobey's blog to hear what she has to say about the Pacquiao Hype (click HERE).

Just read the comment I left on her blog. Thanks! XD

P.S. tinatamad na talaga ako magtype, ayoko rin mag copy-paste, so yung comment ko nalang sa blog nya ang basahin nyo.

2012 (and my friends missing in action)

I watched 2012 yesterday. Errr... I find the movie OK.

Before I blather about the movie, I want to express first how dissatisfied I am with my friends. I was supposed to watch the movie with at least 5 friends, but ended up watching with only one, which isn't bad. Well, I'm not going to mention names here. They know exactly who they are. Arrgghh... To friend #1, though you didn't go with us because of the usual husband-wife issue, it's ok...it's understandable. To friend #2, yeah, nakakatamad naman talaga at nakakaantok manood ng sine...it's also understandable...and it's also arrgghh. To friend #3, well, it's ok too...I know that you and friend #2 always come in package...none of you goes without the other...well, it's also understandable. To Belle, thanks to you. Though it was just the two of us, it beats watching the movie alone. And I enjoyed our date. Teee heee! XD Sa susunod ulit ha! Ikaw nalang iinvite ko.

Getting back to the movie:

It was OK. The plot of the story is, obviously, about the end of the world. Great cinematic effects, I must say. It's a WOW! Quite similar to the effects in The Day After Tomorrow, but expect more from 2012. I cried in the movie. X( I really can't imagine saying goodbye to my loved ones and having a devastating end. The movie also showed how unfair the world is. In the movie (If you haven't seen it, please quit reading. This is a bit of a spoiler, I warn you) they built a bunch of hi-tech arks that are supposed to save mankind. But of course, only a few were chosen since it is logically impossible to fit the entire population of human race in 3 arks no matter how big they are. Well, they weren't really chosen, they paid...of course. The seats on the super-dooper-hi-tech Arks were sold for 1 Billion Euro each. That's the same money they used in building the Arks. Only the highest officials and scientists and and richest people of the first world countries were made aware of the devastating end of the world and of the hi-tech Arks they're building. In the first place, without these private money, nothing could have been done. Just imagine how unfare that is to the people who don't belong to the same social economic status. It leaves a bunch of normal people, like me and Belle and the rest of the people inside the theater, who cannot afforrd 1B Euro, sweating hard and feeling sorry for the ordinary people in the movie who are bound to die because they don't have the money. Yeah, my hands were sweating up a storm while I was watching the movie. I was like, "OMG - I need to get a high-paying job starting next week and start saving so I can afford that 1Billion Euro in 2012!"

You prolly asking who made the hi-tech arks, and where? I find this really funny. The Arks were built in China. I assume the people responsible for building the Arks made a bid to various companies/contractors around the world to find the best deal, and the Chinese were obviously the cheapest option. To be honest, I don't trust products that are made in China. I guess the quality of the ark didn't really matter in the movie, LOL. Ooppss, sorry, it's just my personal opinion. I have nothing against China.

Where are the Arks going? They're going to Africa (if my memory serves me right) - which is the only land spared by mother nature's fury and emerges from the water. Only question is, how long would the people inside the Arks last If the arks can hold X-number of people with Y-number of food supply. I guess cannibalism will eventually answer that issue - and that's another story. XD

turn off the ipod playing on the right side of this blog so you can watch and listen to this video.

Medyo magulo talaga ang kwento ko para mas piliin nyong manood. I'm not gonna give further info about the movie. Just watch it. The cinematic effects are awesome, but the story is a bit off. I wish the creators of 2012 made a better story line for the characters.

Star Studded Shitness

The previous entry was such a crap. Please accept my apology. Ang Cheesy kasi eh, harhar, XD

I seldom watch the idiot box these days. To be honest, the only shows I've been seeing lately are just Eat Bulaga and PBB. I know many of you hates the latter. Well, me too, but not really in the exact way of hate-hate. I find the show more like a blah-shitness-but-entertaining media crap. Consider it like getting the goods in bacterias. It's like a probiotic drink (putek, why am I comparing it to a probiotic drink? It's like comparing apples and shit). Anyway, seeing those people's daily shitnesses inside the big brother's oddly-colored-house gives me the idea that my life is not bad afterall, hindi kagaya nila na kailangan pang ibenta ang pribadong buhay para lang magkapangalan at magkaroon ng kaperahan. Pathetic, really, but I cannot blame them. Besides, everyone has their own reason in whatever they do and do not do.

I'm not typing this entry to blather about the happenings inside the oddly-colored house. Going back to the idiot box, I noticed a lot of tv commercials airing these days are those of people running for office. Now, thats what I really call pathetic. They're as pathetic as the San Marino corned tuna commercial.

Dingdong: Ooh lala, I am handsome and macho, so
let's eat corned tuna that tastes like corned beef!

Marian: Oh yeah, I am so beautiful and sexy, so
let's eat corned tuna that tastes like corned beef!

They all, equally, don't make sense. If I were to make a law and change/remove a few things that I think are very inappropriate, both in tv and politics, those political tv commercials and print ads would be on my list. I will ban them! The same with the signages and government mobiles that identify public officials as the source of public works and such. Geez... It's our money they're using for self-promotion. Why don't they just simply do their jobs?

I want to be honest, I will not vote this coming election. Hmmmm....now I'm hearing you asking "why?" and you telling me how my vote can help change our country. Errr, but sorry, my vote will surely not matter. The up coming election is a no-brainer, not in the sense that I know who exactly will win. I don't need to think much because with the current line up of the people running for presidency...walang dudang wala kang pagpipiliang matino. The best you can do is to choose the least of all evil. It's like choosing between "taeng lasang cake" and "cake na lasang tae". Kahit anong piliin mo talo ka. Hahaha...gross, sorry. I guess a cake that tastes like shit is still the best option. It is still a cake afterall, hehehe. Sorry, but I don't have the time to rectify the best shit among them pile of shits.

Natawa ako at naasar ng sabay nung makita ko ang commercial ni Noynoy, pati na nung ibang mga kandidato. They all make me sick, especially Noynoy's star studded commercial. Eeww. Parang pang Film Festival yung commercial nya. Listen, I'm not against nor pro Noynoy. In fact, integrity wise, I was thinking he is the best (among all evils) in the presidential candidates line-up, until he made that commercial. Christ, have mercy please!

Speaking of Noynoy and his star studded commercial:

Right after the burial of his mother, former president Cory Aquino, supporters started to surface urging him to run for presidency. I find it really pathetic that he listened to them. The problem of this "Noynoy for President" shitness hype, I think, is that it is based on popularity and sympathy rather than an intelligent decision. I don't know how long "The Aquino Magic" will last on him. He's not a bad politician, but definitely not special neither. He's the sort of unnoticeable and forgettable politician, and he had not done much to be considered a possible president of this country. His petty accomplishments as a congressman and senator are not good-enough indicators of a possible-future-president. But look at him now (and the stars around him in his commercial, LOL)...running for office. I've never seen him get this much of attention until the much mourned death of her mother. Sikat bigla si Noynoy eh! Yeah, but it is not something that I'd be proud of if I were him. Obviously, Noynoy's supporters are just overwhelmed with the legacy left by Cory and Ninoy Aquino, that they were, like, "obliged" to hand the torch to Noynoy and give him an equal level of trust they gave his parents. Come on! I find it completely ridiculous. If I were Noynoy, I'd try to create a name for myself first. He might have the same integrity that his parents had, but having integrity and being "The Aquino's son" are not the only qualifying factors that make a good president. Competency, among all others, should be considered first, and not popularity. Reality check, being an Aquino is the only edge he has.

Speaking of Popularity:

We, Filipinos, have been showing that popularity is our main basis on electing government officials. No wonder why the stupid-action-star, elected president of the Philippines, now I hear, wants to run for office again! I don't want to go through the trouble of explaining how bad Erap was, and I am not a laywer to thoroughly explain the legality of his rerunning, but as what as the constitution says - The president can only run for one term. Give me a break please, the law is very clear. Now that Pacquiao won his fight with Cotto, I wouldn't be surprised if I hear people pushing him to run for whatever government position again, just like in the 2006 election where he lost. No wonder why Mar Roxas did his fucking marriage proposal on an equally fucking noontime show (but this is under the water now since Mar already backed out to give way to Noynoy). No wonder why Edu Manzano was chosen as the official candidate for Vice President, along side with the presidential aspirant Gibo Teodoro. No wonder why the fucking noontime show host Willie Revillame is rumored to run too. The reason is very obvious. Sad but true, popularity has become the Philippines' standard of excellence-shitness during elections. That sucks. When will we ever learn?

AFTERWORD:

Please, do not force me to vote, ok? I already decided I will not vote and that is final. You may say how un-Filipino and negative I am, but I won't give a flying fuck. As I've said - it's a no-brainer. No matter who you choose, you still lose. Maybe on the next presidential election, I might find a candidate worthy of my vote.

author's note: sorry about all the "fuck" and "shitty" words i used. those are just the exact words that best describe how i feel as i type this.

Liham ng Pag-ibig

Para sa Iyo,

alam ko nasaktan kita. pero maniwala ka sana, hindi ito ang nais kong maramdaman mo. pasensya ka na ha. hindi naman talaga ganito ang gusto kong mangyari. inaamin ko, kasalanan ko ang lahat. masyado akong nakialam sa buhay mo eh. minsan nagsisisi ako kung bakit ko hinayaang gawin mo ang lahat ng gusto ko. hindi mo dapat ibinuhos ang lahat ng damdamin mo sa akin. alam ko, malaki ang pagkukulang ko sayo. masyado kitang binulag sa mga di makatotohanang pangako. masyado kitang pinaasa. ipinagpilitan ko sayo na ang lahat ng gusto ko ay tama. pinaniwala kita sa mundo ng walang hanggang kaligayahan...ng tunay na pag-ibig. sorry talaga. masyado kitang pinangunahan sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay, sa punto na lagi nalang ako ang iniintindi mo. lagi nalang ako ang priority mo. lagi nalang ako, kapakanan ko, kagustuhan ko, kaligayahan ko. nakalimutan ko na may sarili kang pag-iisip. alam kong mali, pero hinayaan parin kita na mahulog ng husto sa aking di makatwirang damdamin. sana hinayaan na lang kita na magdesisyon ng naaayon sa sinasabi ng iyong isip. nakaligtaan ko na hindi kita pag-aari, na may sarili kang isip, na may sarili kang buhay. nasaktan kita, at nais kong humingi sa iyo ng kapatawaran. wag mo akong isipin, ok lang naman ako. unahin mo ang sarili mo, at mag desisyon ka ng ayon sa dikta ng iyong isip...dahil doon mo lang naman talaga malalaman kung alin ang tama at alin ang mali. wag mo na lang sana ako masyadong intindihin. inaamin ko madalas mali ang nararamdaman ko, kaya't wag ka sanang padadala kaagad. tandaan mo, ano man ang mangyari lagi lang akong nasa tabi mo. simula ngayon pipilitin kong wag kang pangunahan. pipilitin ko na iayos ang lahat. pipilitin kong wag ka ng paluhain. nandito lang ako lagi, mananatiling kapiling mo.

nagmamahal,

ang iyong puso

***************************************************

p.s.

ikaw na nagbabasa ngayon, oo, ikaw, wag ka na masyadong magdrama. hindi mo ba naririnig, ang ganda ng tugtog. smile ka na.

teee heee heee! XD

***************************************************

Eureka!!! :)

I finally realized what my purpose in life really is...

that is to be

THIS

!!!

Whoa! Cheers! XD

>>>kumontra panget! XD<<<

teee heee heee! XD

NIKONSNIPER

Hey everyone, I just want to share with you a friend's photo-blog. If photography is your passion, or you just simply enjoy looking at great pics (this guy's photos are awesome! Believe me.), you better check his site:

NikonSniper (The Photography of Stephen Baird)

Have fun.

Sudden Twist of Plot

"It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today."
- Robert Hastings

And so, why am I here again, you ask.

I mentioned somewhere, prolly in facebook or twitter, that I am saying goodbye to yffarsworld. I'm sorry, but I wasn't really sure with it when I made that statement. I was just really sad that day that I wanted to forget, literally, everything and everyone that has something to do with my existence, and start a whole new life. I'm not happy with what's goin on. Reinventing myself sounds a great idea, I thought. Getting falsified documents under a different name is the start, then I'll fly to a different country and disappear from everyone I know, change my looks, prolly get a major cosmetic surgery, and never return to the Philippines for good and let everyone wonder where I am about, and wait for myself to be declared "pressumed dead" after couple of years. It sounds a pretty good plan, but I don't know if I can really do it. I thought about suicide, and being gone for good, but I know I am stronger than that. I mean, I want to die and disappear with honor. Come on, how can I end my life as Raffy when I haven't even proved anything yet?

Another question:
Why am I so negative in life??? And you ask, why did I label myself "Hari ng Sablay" and "The King of Nothing to do"? Well, those are just facts about myself that I've learned to accept and embrace.

May Pinagmanahan ba kamo?:
I know my mom is almost-always negative in everything she says and think about. She's almost-always full of cynicisms... starting every sentence with "Ay 'sus" (Oh, Jesus / Oh, Christ / OMG), worrying about tomorrow when today's problem hasn't even started yet, and more of blah-blah-blah-shit-blahness. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a very good mom and I will never exchange her for 1 Million Dollars (make it a Billion Dollars and I might consider it, LOL) --- Of course not! She's not perfect, but for me she's the greatest. It's only her being so negative that we hate about her.

Now it got me thinking... Maybe other people are also starting to hate me now because of the same negativity that lives in me, (insert sniffle here). I'm certain I got it from my mom (insert another sniffle here). Sabi nila emo daw ako. I remember a friend asking me, "why do you thrive in loneliness and sadness?" I forgot what I answered him. More likely it was another negative answer. He's my bestfriend, but I haven't heard from him for a while now. Maybe he's gone tired listening to all my dilemmas (sniffle here again). Well, I surely cannot blame him. But I want to thank him.

>>>So Jaime, a big thanks.<<<

At the rate my life is going, I can honestly say it doesn't hold any meaning. Only my family, and maybe a few friends, would cry if I die right this moment. Then after a year or two, I'm history. Not worth-remembering. Looking back, my life has always been a disappointment. Puro yabang lang ako. Oo. But I don't want to die as meaningless as I am right now. I may have the attitude of running away and brushing responsibilities off my shoulder, be it at work and home and everything in between, but just like Naruto, I also want to be recognized. And why did Naruto get in the scene? Wala lang.XD Problem is I'm just too lazy to do what needs to be done. Well, I keep on getting a lot of "what-if's" in my mind. So I guess I still care about myself, and my dream of being recognized is not dead after all. The will is just hiding someplace inside me, maybe. Just waiting for its time to shine (whoa, parang shampoo commercial lang ah, LOL). Hey, don't panic, alright. I'm not about to die today. What I want to say is that life is short no matter how long I might live. It might be the end of the world tomorrow and not in 2012, for all we know. So, I might as well make it meaningful and make a great twist of plot in my biography that everyone will remember.

I went to Mapua the other week and inquired about enrolling next year. Oh yeah, I did! Going back to school is something that I have to face sooner or later. Better deal with it while I'm still young. Maybe getting a degree will be the start of a new me. Getting a new girlfriend might also be a start, but I'm afraid to enter such a relationship when I can't even take care of myself. I'm not really sure, but everything is worth-trying. It will no longer be the same when I go back in school. I won't be seeing the same faces and I'll be the kuya of my future class. Fuck that! But as I have said, it is something that I have to face sooner or later. My last year in Mapua was the hardest time for me when I was studying. That was the time when my father got sick. I was going to school with just 80 pesos in my pocket. Imagine that. Considering I was travelling from Alabang to Manila, I almost had nothing for food. Other memories of my school days flashed back as I walk inside the campus. I remembered my friends Bon, Edward, Men, Mahal, Hannah (my crush, teee heee! XD), and the rest of B131. The walls and buildings in Mapua also caught my attention. It has been there since 1925, yet, with its age and the damages it incurred through the years of its existence, the school remained standing pround and tall. It's nothing extra-ordinary. Just like the rest of the buildings in Intramuros, it just an old artificial environment made of concrete...and metals and wood...decorated with glasses and flourescent lighting and blah-blah-shit-blah. Toneless. Lifeless, it is. It doesn't show any feeling or emotion, yet, it has a slight tremor, but a strong echo of pride and honor and memories all its own, like it has a life of its own. This might not sound right, but maybe, just maybe, I need to learn to be unemotional to stand life, like the stones in each wall of Mapua. I know it's not going to work that way all the time. But sometimes, being emotionless is needed to remain standing.
"A ninja's life is not measured by how he lived, but rather what he managed to accomplish before his death."
- Jiraiya Sama

Image grabbed from here

Sad, Jiraiya-Sama is dead. Naruto Shippuuden will not be the same again without the pervy Sage. But he played his cards so well, he'll always be remembered. RIP Erro-Sennin.

If I can't be an engineer, or an artist, or a musician, I want to be at least a ninja, though I know it's impossible. XD Kidding aside, what Jiraiya said is absolutely profound. What do you think?

Sketch of Nothingness

It has been a while since i last held a pencil, not to right someting on a paper, but, to draw. I know I can draw, but I pretty much ran away from it because of my hands (this is a secret that only a few friends know: my hands are always sweating up a storm.) Disgusting, yeah. That's why I always have at least two handkerchief with me.

I'm still contemplating whether to continue my Mechanical Engineering degree, or enroll myself in a different course. I don't know, but I'm afraid to go back to Mapua. I'm afraid I've already forgotten a lot, like, eerrr....what's the earth's gravitational force again? It's 9.81m/s/s! (9.81 meters per second-squared...and I looked it up on the internet. Cheater.) My classmates who copied on me during exams are now licensed engineers. Had I continued my studies, I think I had a big chance of passing the board. But that was before. That was way back 2003-2004. I'm like totally clueless now on how Eintein's Theory of Relativity works.

I was considering enrolling in Creative Writing in UP Diliman, like my friend Tobey, but I realized I'm not really that much of a writer. I mean, I realized serious-writing is way-way over my intellectual capability, so I have decided to take it off my would-be-list. Tagalog: "Ako'y sadyang baguhan lamang sa larangan ng pag-susulat, at inaamin ko na ako ay wala talagang angking talento sa larangang ito. Ang nakasulat dito ay, aking inaamin na, pawang mga wala sa tamang porma, at madalas ay lumalabag sa batas ng balarila." Fuck that! Haha! That was already in Filipino but my writing still sucks. Eeeeewww.

Well, getting back to drawing, I am now thinking of enrolling in the School of Fine Arts, maybe in UP or UST, if my good-hearted sisters will help me financially (hope they get to read this). Teee heee heee! XD Ok.... I know my drawing also sucks as much as my writing, but it might just work for me.

Few of the drawings I made using charcoal and graphite:

Related entry: The Beatles - sketch

Need to decide what I really want to do in life. Bye now.

Note: The first pic that appears above (Titled, The Inner Beauty) is an original of J.D. Hillberry. Ginaya ko lang, syempre mas maganda yung original, kulang ako sa gamit eh, hehe.