Lost to the sea (another emo-talk)

Ok, stone me and drown me. I ate my word when I said I was shutting this blog off and that I was happy. Well, I am happy in a way, but happiness doesn't really numb the pain. I ate my words by heartfully pouring my thoughts and my feelings in this blog yet again. Guess I'm not really tired afterall. I thought I was tired of feeling this way, but it appears I still have a lot of emotion and hurt to throw in this blog. I don't want to think I thrive in loneliness and sadness, but I've learned to live with them. I don't enjoy it, really, but this is how I want to be found. Baka maawa kasi sya pag nakita nya akong ganito. Heck, dapat matagal na. Baliw din ako eh. I sometimes wish I can take something to numb the pain, but then again, that pain I wanted to extinguish is the same pain that bears the memories and reasons why I still find myself smiling at times. Pasensya na, hindi ko na mapigilan. Baka bigla na lang ako sumabog. So go ahead, kill me.

I wonder why I continue writing on this emo-slash-forsaken blog. Nobody ever reads this blog for all I know. It's all the same shitness, only different day. Please quit reading if you don't want to read anything negative. This might just add up to your own shitness in life. Life is aleady full of dirt, and I don't want to add up to yours. Feel free to close this window, and hop some site else. I am not giving you the burden to stay and read this almost-endless-emoish litany blah.

BLAH.

I'm not in the mood for anything good. I want to burst. I am starting a new job on Friday, but I'm still not sure if it's what I really want. I've quitted the call whoring job a couple of times, but here I am again entering the same old shit. Gone tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired in the whoring business, but life is really giving me no other choice, or siguro takot lang akong sumubok ng bago. Maybe. I'm tired of getting stupid calls from people asking about equally stupid questions. They're calling because they have issues, and most of the time these issues are just because of plain stupidity. Geez. The world is truly reeking of stupidity, and so does this blog you might say. To make things worse, we, and all the people working in the call whoring business are slowly becoming part of that hellishly moronic population and we don't even notice it. Or maybe it is just me. Dinamay ko pa kayo, pasensya na. About my new job, I will play it by ear. I cannot guarantee that I will last a long time in my new-but-not-new company. I just want to earn enough money to do what needs to be done.

Everyday is a an effing tug-o-war between the rational "I-want-to-be-happy-and-start-over" and the ever hopeful "i-don't-believe-in-changes-and-i-don't-go-back-on-my-word". I'm tired. But I really don't go back on my word. I don't want to.

Dyos mio!

Bakit nga ba ako nag-aaksaya ng oras sa pagsasabi ng mga bagay na para sa iba ay wala namang kakwenta-kwenta at wala ni hibla ng katuturan? Hindi ko alam, pero ang oras at panahon ko ay bahagi ng isang malaking konsepto ng pagkatao ko na mahirap arukin at intindihain kahit na ng mismo kong ulirat. Gusto ko lang ibahagi kahit na alam kong hindi naman ako naiintindihan ng mga taong napapadaan ng hindi sadya sa site na to...kahit na katumbas lang sya ng pag-ihi ko sa pader ng harapan pero kailan man ay di ko pa narinig na nagmura at umihi sa akin ng pabalik. Gaya ng pagbulong ko sa mga alaga kong aso paminsan-minsan ng mga saloobin ko na hindi ko maipasa sa mga tao. Kung minsan kasi, mas tao pa kung makinig ang mga aso kesa sa mga tunay na tao.

I'm sorry for wasting your time. This will be the last, I hope. Next time I'll try to write something funny or useful. Christmas is near.

picture: http://milesgore.deviantart.com/art/Discontent-84487845

Happiness

is a choice. But being happy doesn't always numb the pain and yearning. I want to think that everything is cool, but reality doesn't really match my expectations and desires. (insert sniffle here).

Meron namang naghihintay na jeep na walang laman, pero bakit ba gusto ko pa ring sumakay sa puno na?

HILING

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipin ka
Lalo na sa t'wing nag-iisa
Ano na kayang balita sayo
Naiisip mo rin kaya ako

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala
Wala nang dahilan para lumuha
Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago
Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso
Parang kulang nga kapag ika'y wala

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo...

Ala-ala mong tinangay na ng hangin
Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin
Nasan kana kaya, aasa ba sa wala

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil
Nais ka lamang mahagkan
Nais ka lamang masilayan
Kahit alam kong tapos na
Kahit alam kong wala ka na...

At hihiling sa mga bituin
Na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin
Hihiling kahit dumilim
Ang aking daan na tatahakin
Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

-Silent Sanctuary

Sad

I am. Extremely.

Pacquiao Day??? (Nyek!)

I was browsing on a social networking site when I came across this stupid shout-out: "dapat magkaroon ng Pacquiao day ang Pilipinas!" Whaaat???

I wanted to write something about this issue, but I feel really lazy. Instead, I want you guys to visit Tobey's blog to hear what she has to say about the Pacquiao Hype (click HERE).

Just read the comment I left on her blog. Thanks! XD

P.S. tinatamad na talaga ako magtype, ayoko rin mag copy-paste, so yung comment ko nalang sa blog nya ang basahin nyo.

2012 (and my friends missing in action)

I watched 2012 yesterday. Errr... I find the movie OK.

Before I blather about the movie, I want to express first how dissatisfied I am with my friends. I was supposed to watch the movie with at least 5 friends, but ended up watching with only one, which isn't bad. Well, I'm not going to mention names here. They know exactly who they are. Arrgghh... To friend #1, though you didn't go with us because of the usual husband-wife issue, it's ok...it's understandable. To friend #2, yeah, nakakatamad naman talaga at nakakaantok manood ng sine...it's also understandable...and it's also arrgghh. To friend #3, well, it's ok too...I know that you and friend #2 always come in package...none of you goes without the other...well, it's also understandable. To Belle, thanks to you. Though it was just the two of us, it beats watching the movie alone. And I enjoyed our date. Teee heee! XD Sa susunod ulit ha! Ikaw nalang iinvite ko.

Getting back to the movie:

It was OK. The plot of the story is, obviously, about the end of the world. Great cinematic effects, I must say. It's a WOW! Quite similar to the effects in The Day After Tomorrow, but expect more from 2012. I cried in the movie. X( I really can't imagine saying goodbye to my loved ones and having a devastating end. The movie also showed how unfair the world is. In the movie (If you haven't seen it, please quit reading. This is a bit of a spoiler, I warn you) they built a bunch of hi-tech arks that are supposed to save mankind. But of course, only a few were chosen since it is logically impossible to fit the entire population of human race in 3 arks no matter how big they are. Well, they weren't really chosen, they paid...of course. The seats on the super-dooper-hi-tech Arks were sold for 1 Billion Euro each. That's the same money they used in building the Arks. Only the highest officials and scientists and and richest people of the first world countries were made aware of the devastating end of the world and of the hi-tech Arks they're building. In the first place, without these private money, nothing could have been done. Just imagine how unfare that is to the people who don't belong to the same social economic status. It leaves a bunch of normal people, like me and Belle and the rest of the people inside the theater, who cannot afforrd 1B Euro, sweating hard and feeling sorry for the ordinary people in the movie who are bound to die because they don't have the money. Yeah, my hands were sweating up a storm while I was watching the movie. I was like, "OMG - I need to get a high-paying job starting next week and start saving so I can afford that 1Billion Euro in 2012!"

You prolly asking who made the hi-tech arks, and where? I find this really funny. The Arks were built in China. I assume the people responsible for building the Arks made a bid to various companies/contractors around the world to find the best deal, and the Chinese were obviously the cheapest option. To be honest, I don't trust products that are made in China. I guess the quality of the ark didn't really matter in the movie, LOL. Ooppss, sorry, it's just my personal opinion. I have nothing against China.

Where are the Arks going? They're going to Africa (if my memory serves me right) - which is the only land spared by mother nature's fury and emerges from the water. Only question is, how long would the people inside the Arks last If the arks can hold X-number of people with Y-number of food supply. I guess cannibalism will eventually answer that issue - and that's another story. XD

turn off the ipod playing on the right side of this blog so you can watch and listen to this video.

Medyo magulo talaga ang kwento ko para mas piliin nyong manood. I'm not gonna give further info about the movie. Just watch it. The cinematic effects are awesome, but the story is a bit off. I wish the creators of 2012 made a better story line for the characters.

Star Studded Shitness

The previous entry was such a crap. Please accept my apology. Ang Cheesy kasi eh, harhar, XD

I seldom watch the idiot box these days. To be honest, the only shows I've been seeing lately are just Eat Bulaga and PBB. I know many of you hates the latter. Well, me too, but not really in the exact way of hate-hate. I find the show more like a blah-shitness-but-entertaining media crap. Consider it like getting the goods in bacterias. It's like a probiotic drink (putek, why am I comparing it to a probiotic drink? It's like comparing apples and shit). Anyway, seeing those people's daily shitnesses inside the big brother's oddly-colored-house gives me the idea that my life is not bad afterall, hindi kagaya nila na kailangan pang ibenta ang pribadong buhay para lang magkapangalan at magkaroon ng kaperahan. Pathetic, really, but I cannot blame them. Besides, everyone has their own reason in whatever they do and do not do.

I'm not typing this entry to blather about the happenings inside the oddly-colored house. Going back to the idiot box, I noticed a lot of tv commercials airing these days are those of people running for office. Now, thats what I really call pathetic. They're as pathetic as the San Marino corned tuna commercial.

Dingdong: Ooh lala, I am handsome and macho, so
let's eat corned tuna that tastes like corned beef!

Marian: Oh yeah, I am so beautiful and sexy, so
let's eat corned tuna that tastes like corned beef!

They all, equally, don't make sense. If I were to make a law and change/remove a few things that I think are very inappropriate, both in tv and politics, those political tv commercials and print ads would be on my list. I will ban them! The same with the signages and government mobiles that identify public officials as the source of public works and such. Geez... It's our money they're using for self-promotion. Why don't they just simply do their jobs?

I want to be honest, I will not vote this coming election. Hmmmm....now I'm hearing you asking "why?" and you telling me how my vote can help change our country. Errr, but sorry, my vote will surely not matter. The up coming election is a no-brainer, not in the sense that I know who exactly will win. I don't need to think much because with the current line up of the people running for presidency...walang dudang wala kang pagpipiliang matino. The best you can do is to choose the least of all evil. It's like choosing between "taeng lasang cake" and "cake na lasang tae". Kahit anong piliin mo talo ka. Hahaha...gross, sorry. I guess a cake that tastes like shit is still the best option. It is still a cake afterall, hehehe. Sorry, but I don't have the time to rectify the best shit among them pile of shits.

Natawa ako at naasar ng sabay nung makita ko ang commercial ni Noynoy, pati na nung ibang mga kandidato. They all make me sick, especially Noynoy's star studded commercial. Eeww. Parang pang Film Festival yung commercial nya. Listen, I'm not against nor pro Noynoy. In fact, integrity wise, I was thinking he is the best (among all evils) in the presidential candidates line-up, until he made that commercial. Christ, have mercy please!

Speaking of Noynoy and his star studded commercial:

Right after the burial of his mother, former president Cory Aquino, supporters started to surface urging him to run for presidency. I find it really pathetic that he listened to them. The problem of this "Noynoy for President" shitness hype, I think, is that it is based on popularity and sympathy rather than an intelligent decision. I don't know how long "The Aquino Magic" will last on him. He's not a bad politician, but definitely not special neither. He's the sort of unnoticeable and forgettable politician, and he had not done much to be considered a possible president of this country. His petty accomplishments as a congressman and senator are not good-enough indicators of a possible-future-president. But look at him now (and the stars around him in his commercial, LOL)...running for office. I've never seen him get this much of attention until the much mourned death of her mother. Sikat bigla si Noynoy eh! Yeah, but it is not something that I'd be proud of if I were him. Obviously, Noynoy's supporters are just overwhelmed with the legacy left by Cory and Ninoy Aquino, that they were, like, "obliged" to hand the torch to Noynoy and give him an equal level of trust they gave his parents. Come on! I find it completely ridiculous. If I were Noynoy, I'd try to create a name for myself first. He might have the same integrity that his parents had, but having integrity and being "The Aquino's son" are not the only qualifying factors that make a good president. Competency, among all others, should be considered first, and not popularity. Reality check, being an Aquino is the only edge he has.

Speaking of Popularity:

We, Filipinos, have been showing that popularity is our main basis on electing government officials. No wonder why the stupid-action-star, elected president of the Philippines, now I hear, wants to run for office again! I don't want to go through the trouble of explaining how bad Erap was, and I am not a laywer to thoroughly explain the legality of his rerunning, but as what as the constitution says - The president can only run for one term. Give me a break please, the law is very clear. Now that Pacquiao won his fight with Cotto, I wouldn't be surprised if I hear people pushing him to run for whatever government position again, just like in the 2006 election where he lost. No wonder why Mar Roxas did his fucking marriage proposal on an equally fucking noontime show (but this is under the water now since Mar already backed out to give way to Noynoy). No wonder why Edu Manzano was chosen as the official candidate for Vice President, along side with the presidential aspirant Gibo Teodoro. No wonder why the fucking noontime show host Willie Revillame is rumored to run too. The reason is very obvious. Sad but true, popularity has become the Philippines' standard of excellence-shitness during elections. That sucks. When will we ever learn?

AFTERWORD:

Please, do not force me to vote, ok? I already decided I will not vote and that is final. You may say how un-Filipino and negative I am, but I won't give a flying fuck. As I've said - it's a no-brainer. No matter who you choose, you still lose. Maybe on the next presidential election, I might find a candidate worthy of my vote.

author's note: sorry about all the "fuck" and "shitty" words i used. those are just the exact words that best describe how i feel as i type this.

Liham ng Pag-ibig

Para sa Iyo,

alam ko nasaktan kita. pero maniwala ka sana, hindi ito ang nais kong maramdaman mo. pasensya ka na ha. hindi naman talaga ganito ang gusto kong mangyari. inaamin ko, kasalanan ko ang lahat. masyado akong nakialam sa buhay mo eh. minsan nagsisisi ako kung bakit ko hinayaang gawin mo ang lahat ng gusto ko. hindi mo dapat ibinuhos ang lahat ng damdamin mo sa akin. alam ko, malaki ang pagkukulang ko sayo. masyado kitang binulag sa mga di makatotohanang pangako. masyado kitang pinaasa. ipinagpilitan ko sayo na ang lahat ng gusto ko ay tama. pinaniwala kita sa mundo ng walang hanggang kaligayahan...ng tunay na pag-ibig. sorry talaga. masyado kitang pinangunahan sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay, sa punto na lagi nalang ako ang iniintindi mo. lagi nalang ako ang priority mo. lagi nalang ako, kapakanan ko, kagustuhan ko, kaligayahan ko. nakalimutan ko na may sarili kang pag-iisip. alam kong mali, pero hinayaan parin kita na mahulog ng husto sa aking di makatwirang damdamin. sana hinayaan na lang kita na magdesisyon ng naaayon sa sinasabi ng iyong isip. nakaligtaan ko na hindi kita pag-aari, na may sarili kang isip, na may sarili kang buhay. nasaktan kita, at nais kong humingi sa iyo ng kapatawaran. wag mo akong isipin, ok lang naman ako. unahin mo ang sarili mo, at mag desisyon ka ng ayon sa dikta ng iyong isip...dahil doon mo lang naman talaga malalaman kung alin ang tama at alin ang mali. wag mo na lang sana ako masyadong intindihin. inaamin ko madalas mali ang nararamdaman ko, kaya't wag ka sanang padadala kaagad. tandaan mo, ano man ang mangyari lagi lang akong nasa tabi mo. simula ngayon pipilitin kong wag kang pangunahan. pipilitin ko na iayos ang lahat. pipilitin kong wag ka ng paluhain. nandito lang ako lagi, mananatiling kapiling mo.

nagmamahal,

ang iyong puso

***************************************************

p.s.

ikaw na nagbabasa ngayon, oo, ikaw, wag ka na masyadong magdrama. hindi mo ba naririnig, ang ganda ng tugtog. smile ka na.

teee heee heee! XD

***************************************************

Eureka!!! :)

I finally realized what my purpose in life really is...

that is to be

THIS

!!!

Whoa! Cheers! XD

>>>kumontra panget! XD<<<

teee heee heee! XD

NIKONSNIPER

Hey everyone, I just want to share with you a friend's photo-blog. If photography is your passion, or you just simply enjoy looking at great pics (this guy's photos are awesome! Believe me.), you better check his site:

NikonSniper (The Photography of Stephen Baird)

Have fun.

Sudden Twist of Plot

"It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today."
- Robert Hastings

And so, why am I here again, you ask.

I mentioned somewhere, prolly in facebook or twitter, that I am saying goodbye to yffarsworld. I'm sorry, but I wasn't really sure with it when I made that statement. I was just really sad that day that I wanted to forget, literally, everything and everyone that has something to do with my existence, and start a whole new life. I'm not happy with what's goin on. Reinventing myself sounds a great idea, I thought. Getting falsified documents under a different name is the start, then I'll fly to a different country and disappear from everyone I know, change my looks, prolly get a major cosmetic surgery, and never return to the Philippines for good and let everyone wonder where I am about, and wait for myself to be declared "pressumed dead" after couple of years. It sounds a pretty good plan, but I don't know if I can really do it. I thought about suicide, and being gone for good, but I know I am stronger than that. I mean, I want to die and disappear with honor. Come on, how can I end my life as Raffy when I haven't even proved anything yet?

Another question:
Why am I so negative in life??? And you ask, why did I label myself "Hari ng Sablay" and "The King of Nothing to do"? Well, those are just facts about myself that I've learned to accept and embrace.

May Pinagmanahan ba kamo?:
I know my mom is almost-always negative in everything she says and think about. She's almost-always full of cynicisms... starting every sentence with "Ay 'sus" (Oh, Jesus / Oh, Christ / OMG), worrying about tomorrow when today's problem hasn't even started yet, and more of blah-blah-blah-shit-blahness. Don't get me wrong. My mother is a very good mom and I will never exchange her for 1 Million Dollars (make it a Billion Dollars and I might consider it, LOL) --- Of course not! She's not perfect, but for me she's the greatest. It's only her being so negative that we hate about her.

Now it got me thinking... Maybe other people are also starting to hate me now because of the same negativity that lives in me, (insert sniffle here). I'm certain I got it from my mom (insert another sniffle here). Sabi nila emo daw ako. I remember a friend asking me, "why do you thrive in loneliness and sadness?" I forgot what I answered him. More likely it was another negative answer. He's my bestfriend, but I haven't heard from him for a while now. Maybe he's gone tired listening to all my dilemmas (sniffle here again). Well, I surely cannot blame him. But I want to thank him.

>>>So Jaime, a big thanks.<<<

At the rate my life is going, I can honestly say it doesn't hold any meaning. Only my family, and maybe a few friends, would cry if I die right this moment. Then after a year or two, I'm history. Not worth-remembering. Looking back, my life has always been a disappointment. Puro yabang lang ako. Oo. But I don't want to die as meaningless as I am right now. I may have the attitude of running away and brushing responsibilities off my shoulder, be it at work and home and everything in between, but just like Naruto, I also want to be recognized. And why did Naruto get in the scene? Wala lang.XD Problem is I'm just too lazy to do what needs to be done. Well, I keep on getting a lot of "what-if's" in my mind. So I guess I still care about myself, and my dream of being recognized is not dead after all. The will is just hiding someplace inside me, maybe. Just waiting for its time to shine (whoa, parang shampoo commercial lang ah, LOL). Hey, don't panic, alright. I'm not about to die today. What I want to say is that life is short no matter how long I might live. It might be the end of the world tomorrow and not in 2012, for all we know. So, I might as well make it meaningful and make a great twist of plot in my biography that everyone will remember.

I went to Mapua the other week and inquired about enrolling next year. Oh yeah, I did! Going back to school is something that I have to face sooner or later. Better deal with it while I'm still young. Maybe getting a degree will be the start of a new me. Getting a new girlfriend might also be a start, but I'm afraid to enter such a relationship when I can't even take care of myself. I'm not really sure, but everything is worth-trying. It will no longer be the same when I go back in school. I won't be seeing the same faces and I'll be the kuya of my future class. Fuck that! But as I have said, it is something that I have to face sooner or later. My last year in Mapua was the hardest time for me when I was studying. That was the time when my father got sick. I was going to school with just 80 pesos in my pocket. Imagine that. Considering I was travelling from Alabang to Manila, I almost had nothing for food. Other memories of my school days flashed back as I walk inside the campus. I remembered my friends Bon, Edward, Men, Mahal, Hannah (my crush, teee heee! XD), and the rest of B131. The walls and buildings in Mapua also caught my attention. It has been there since 1925, yet, with its age and the damages it incurred through the years of its existence, the school remained standing pround and tall. It's nothing extra-ordinary. Just like the rest of the buildings in Intramuros, it just an old artificial environment made of concrete...and metals and wood...decorated with glasses and flourescent lighting and blah-blah-shit-blah. Toneless. Lifeless, it is. It doesn't show any feeling or emotion, yet, it has a slight tremor, but a strong echo of pride and honor and memories all its own, like it has a life of its own. This might not sound right, but maybe, just maybe, I need to learn to be unemotional to stand life, like the stones in each wall of Mapua. I know it's not going to work that way all the time. But sometimes, being emotionless is needed to remain standing.
"A ninja's life is not measured by how he lived, but rather what he managed to accomplish before his death."
- Jiraiya Sama

Image grabbed from here

Sad, Jiraiya-Sama is dead. Naruto Shippuuden will not be the same again without the pervy Sage. But he played his cards so well, he'll always be remembered. RIP Erro-Sennin.

If I can't be an engineer, or an artist, or a musician, I want to be at least a ninja, though I know it's impossible. XD Kidding aside, what Jiraiya said is absolutely profound. What do you think?

Sketch of Nothingness

It has been a while since i last held a pencil, not to right someting on a paper, but, to draw. I know I can draw, but I pretty much ran away from it because of my hands (this is a secret that only a few friends know: my hands are always sweating up a storm.) Disgusting, yeah. That's why I always have at least two handkerchief with me.

I'm still contemplating whether to continue my Mechanical Engineering degree, or enroll myself in a different course. I don't know, but I'm afraid to go back to Mapua. I'm afraid I've already forgotten a lot, like, eerrr....what's the earth's gravitational force again? It's 9.81m/s/s! (9.81 meters per second-squared...and I looked it up on the internet. Cheater.) My classmates who copied on me during exams are now licensed engineers. Had I continued my studies, I think I had a big chance of passing the board. But that was before. That was way back 2003-2004. I'm like totally clueless now on how Eintein's Theory of Relativity works.

I was considering enrolling in Creative Writing in UP Diliman, like my friend Tobey, but I realized I'm not really that much of a writer. I mean, I realized serious-writing is way-way over my intellectual capability, so I have decided to take it off my would-be-list. Tagalog: "Ako'y sadyang baguhan lamang sa larangan ng pag-susulat, at inaamin ko na ako ay wala talagang angking talento sa larangang ito. Ang nakasulat dito ay, aking inaamin na, pawang mga wala sa tamang porma, at madalas ay lumalabag sa batas ng balarila." Fuck that! Haha! That was already in Filipino but my writing still sucks. Eeeeewww.

Well, getting back to drawing, I am now thinking of enrolling in the School of Fine Arts, maybe in UP or UST, if my good-hearted sisters will help me financially (hope they get to read this). Teee heee heee! XD Ok.... I know my drawing also sucks as much as my writing, but it might just work for me.

Few of the drawings I made using charcoal and graphite:

Related entry: The Beatles - sketch

Need to decide what I really want to do in life. Bye now.

Note: The first pic that appears above (Titled, The Inner Beauty) is an original of J.D. Hillberry. Ginaya ko lang, syempre mas maganda yung original, kulang ako sa gamit eh, hehe.

Albom plus my music plus Chocolate Cream Chip...orgasmic!

They say happiness is a choice, and that you'll know you are doing the right thing when you make a decision and your heart is at peace. I'm not really happy, nor sad, nor my heart at peace, but I am ok. Just ok. Not great but ok. I'll settle with an ok-state for now than being troubled.

I was supposed to get a 4am sched at work starting on Monday, but I declined it. I don't feel like waking up at 2am - it's just damn too early. I wanted to get a morning sched, like 11am (ano ako swerte?), but they're not giving me that option. Insert sniffle here.

Had nothing to do yesterday. And so sometime afternoon I took a bath and put on a decent shirt. Didn't really know where I wanted to go. I only had one thing though in my mind yesterday, and that was to kill time. While inside the tricycle I decided I want to go to ATC, and so I did. I went there alone - as usual. I thought of watching a movie, but I just did the other night in Glorieta, so I took it off my list. After my failed attempt to withdraw cash out of an offline HSBC ATM machine, I continued walking inside ATC, till I remembered I have Albom inside my bag. Great. I finally settled for Starbucks. I'm not really a Starbucks fan like few of the people I know. In fact, I used to hate people who go there for coffee. I mean, why would someone spend 150 bucks for a cup of coffee??? But when I finally had my own laptop a year and some months ago, I realized it's not really just the coffee in Starbucks that people swoon over. It's also the cosy atmosphere and the free WiFi and AC.

"Chocolate Cream Chip please, Venti."

The place was quiet, which is good. Very conducive for people who need time to think. I promised myself I'd start reading "Have a Little Faith" by Albom, maybe read a few chapters before going home. I chose the most comfortable seat inside the shop beside the glass wall - a perfect view to see the people passing by. Albom is really best served and enjoyed in a nice place like this. But the Marimba-slash-samba-slash-jazz-slash-sax-slash-yaddah-yaddah Muzak playing inside the coffee shop was a bit irritating to my ears, so I plugged my earphones back and played my music player. Nothing beats listening to "my" music. Albom plus my music plus chocolate cream chip...orgasmic! I wish life is as simple as that.

I thought "Have a Little Faith" was a fiction, but turned out its a real-life story about two different men Albom knows personally. Yep, it's like his "Tuesdays with Morrie." Dang Raffy, did you not see the cover of the book??? It clearly says "a true story"! You're so makulet! Hahaha.

"But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over"
***Secondhand Serenade


Last-song-syndrome. XD

Gawd. what now Raffy? I don't know what to write now. I started this post with Starbucks and Albom but suddenly I dropped it, and pretty much walking away from it. Bakit? I don't know how to finish it eh. Hahaha. You see, just like yesterday, I, again, am just killing time. I think this is what my problem is. I want to keep a regular blog but I couldn't even think of a good damn thing to write about. Hahaha, wala talaga akong katulad.

Lalalalala.

Life goes on. It really should. So long as the music is playing, you gotta dance dance dance and dance. Like Naruto, Sasuke, and Gaara, I have always known what loneliness is. But I am ok now. There are just some things and dreams that don't belong to you. Or, it could also be the other way around. You just don't belong to those dreams.

Saan kaya ako susunod na magtatrabaho?

Tired of blathering about myself. My laziness, inconsistency, imperfections and all that - everybody who reads this blog knows about 'em. But I guess that makes me a normal human and that makes me unique. It's almost 4pm. Labas muna ako computer screen. Iwanan laptop bahay. Dala libro at psp. Pagpapatuloy ang have a little faith someplace else. XD

The King of Nothing To Do - Part 2

Dyaran!

Yes, I'm back. Where's the "welcome-back-to-yffarsworld" banner-shitnitz here??? Well, really got nothing to blather about right now. I just felt I need to give my bloggie a little update about, errr...about... arrgghh...fuck that! I don't really know what to write about. Oh by the way, heads up guys, I'm back on being THE KING OF NOTHING TO DO!

My doctor already upgraded my drugs from Lacipil to Combizar. These are legal drugs, ok. I have a stage2 hypertension and that's the only thing consistent in me along with my laziness. I'm trying to get back into jogging. But just like before, it's just another lick and a promise. Two weeks ago I bought a pedometer, which I thought was a great motivating tool. It's a small and light-weight apparatus made of plastic (the size of the tamagotchi digital pet during the 90's) that records the number of steps made, distance travelled, and fats and calories burned during an aerobic workout - let's say during running or walking. Yeah, it senses one's body-motion and counts its steps and makes a record of estimated calories and fats burned. How the tool does it, I don't know. You can click here to learn more about pedometer. Orayt, getting back to my tool, I mean the pedometer, I've only used it three times. Arrgghh. It has been sitting and collecting dust on my desk for more than a week now. I was so excited to use it the following morning after I bought it, but now I am slacking again. I thought it was a good motivating tool to get me back into jogging - but apparently it isn't. Yada yada yada about jogging shitnitz. It's all just a deja vu. But I really need exercise!!! Got to work on it!

Arrgghh.

New books. I bought three books the other day. Bought The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, and two books of Mitch Albom - The Five People You Meet In Heaven and a hard-bound copy of his latest book Have a Little Faith which came out first week of October, I believe. The lady in National Bookstore said it might take 6 months or a year for a paperback copy to be produced. Heck, I bought the hard bound anyway - don't want to wait that long. But guess what, all the three books are still wrapped in plastic. Harhar. I might start reading any of them tomorrow. XD

More nonsense here. I have unlocked all the characters in my Naruto Heroes 2 psp game except for one. But after I learned a new Naruto game came out just the other week, I'm now starting to lose interest on it. I didn't even know that the one I bought came out more than a year ago. Sucker me. Lesson learned: Don't be a panic-buyer. Make a research first about what you want to buy before actually buying it. Could have gotten the new Naruto game had i Known it was already released. Why do I always make bad decisions in life??? I'm such a loser, parang si yaya. Arrgghh.

I went to Glorietta this afternoon and watched The Ugly Truth. Ako lang mag-isa. Wala kasing gustong sumama, haha. The movie was ok, but not great. Just a simple love story that will make you smile. I'm not a fan of love stories, pero mas gusto ko parin yung Serendipity. I'm just simply fascinated with the word serendipity, though hindi talaga ako naniniwala sa destiny. Oh well, sabi ko na sa inyo eh, I love speaking in paradoxes.

If you noticed, I also changed my music playlist here. Depressing daw kasi yung dati kong playlist. XD

Tama na.

Para gumanda ang araw mo, i-click mo ito. Pero walang sisihan ha. Basta ako natuwa. Teee heee heee! XD

HEALTH CONSCIOUS, me...(?)

Alright. I have a confession to make. I'm sure you're not gonna look at me differently, and I'm perfectly sure that you're not gonna care neither.

I am sick.

Arrgghh.

I am sick. I think I will die before I reach 40, or maybe 30. My hypertension is not doing good - well by just the way it is called "hypertension" doesn't make it any good. I'm having fever every month. I get tired easily. I sweat too much. I feel sleepy during the hours of the day when I'm not suppose to sleep, and I couldn't force myself to sleep when it's time to hit the sack. Plus, I occasionally feel chest pain with reasons that doctors couldn't decipher even with the aide of modern ECG and stress test machine. The last time I had my heart checked was last January. They said my heart is ok, but I am feeling something inside. Listen...what I feel has nothing to do with "love", ok. I was in love but this has...arrgghh...ok, I am still in love, but this has nothing to do with the chest pain. I feel it. There's something wrong in my heart, biologically. Recently, with the last laboratory test that they did, the doctor said he sees something wrong with my liver, and he wants me to do another lab test and blah-blah-shit-blah....arrgghh!!!

Raffy 1: Wait... why am I telling them these?

Raffy 2: Fuck that Raffy! You're not suppose to confess such things, idiot! Medical information are personal info!

Raffy 1: Ok, my alter ego, I understand you. It's just that, we'll never know what's gonna happen later or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, so as early as now we need to start saying at least a semi-goodbye to our loved ones. You cannot really control what's already written in our destiny.

Raffy 2: Haha, our destiny? If you want to die before 30, then make it YOUR destiny, ok?! Don't include me.

Ok...guys, just forget everything that I've written above. It's just a joke. I'm not sick guys. :-) hahaha... gotcha! Teee heee heee! XD Probably sick in the head, you might say, haha. XD

Way back last March, I told myself that't I'd start running to burn my body fat and lose even just a couple of pounds. I was jogging and running and walking everynight (yes, that was everynight) of the first 2 weeks of March, but on the 3rd and 4th week I started slacking with my running. Untill I became totally lazy with the amount of hours I have to hit the pavement. I became too lazy to even do just a lazy walk. Untill I stopped from running/jogging/walking at night. Last week, I tried to do it again, but I discovered I could no longer jog even for just 5-straight mins without stopping and gasping for air. The roads where we live are very steep, and run along side of empty vacant lots. After like 30 mins or so, I gave up. I turned around and walk home again. Bullfrogs and goats that hide behind the bushes were snorting and
laughing at me. I'm a loser. X(

Then I got sick after that night. Doing that slow-pace 30-min jogging made me sick?! Ano ba yan? I have fever since Saturday. I remember I just had flu last July, and now after just a month and some days I am sick again! WTF is goin on?

I think I need to change a few things in my lifestyle. I realized I've been drinking too much this past few months (ok...it's really past-few-years) and I am aware that it's not healthy. (NOTE: The fact that I admit I know too much alcohol is bad for the health shows that I am not an alcoholic. Research says 99.9% of alcoholics do not admit to themselves the bad effects of alcohol. But of course, this data is just a made-up-story of yours truly, hahaha.) I also need to lessen my sugar and salt intake. A little exercise, a little lifting, would be great too. I'm not really a fitness conscious person, but I guess I need to start becoming conscious with my health if I want to go beyond 30 or 40.

Damn Raffy, you're getting heavier each day! Yeah, I need exercise. I need to jog! I need to get into it again! But how? Maybe I need to make a commitment, not just to myself but also to the people who will get to read this. Okay, ready:

1. I will get back into running/jogging/walking.
2. I will not cheat and will not fake my running.
3. Less fatty and salty food. Less sugar too.
4. NO MORE ALCOHOL. Period.

This is it for now. Wait, I think the last one's really hard. Arrgghh, I don't know if I can do that shit right away, so please allow me to change that into 2-or-3-beer-bottle-a-month policy for now. Then after a month or two I'll make it a 1-beer-bottle-a-month policy. Yeah, this rule is more obtainable. Teee heee heee! XD Don't question me, ok. These are my rules, so I can change or burn it all whenever I want! Harharhar! XD

Why am I telling you these again? Err....so you can...errr... help me. With you guys watching over me, I know I would have to stick to my commitment. XD

But for now, I need to sleep. Good thing my fever is almost gone now. Great. XD

BTW, my sister is doing fine now. She now has a distorted face and a skewed left shoulder. Hehehe, she's doing better, and all will be back to normal after a couple of months. Thank God. XD

Suddenly Anti

As expected, I am sick and tired again of what I'm doing. But this is just too soon. Seems like I am getting lazier each day. Arrgggh.

Ok. I admit I have problems managing my laziness, but what's happening to me now isn't just plain laziness...it's anger, irritability, infuriation, annoyance, and blah-blah-shit-blah. ARRGGHH!!! I am MAD!!!

I just feel I need to vent this frustration and stay calm, otherwise my BP might skyrocket again (yeah, my blood pressure rise very quickly). I don't like what's going on in my present company. Damn, they're very INCONSISTENT!!! Two of my best friends in my present company-whose-name-I-won't-mention, were forced to resign. For whatever flying-fucking reason the company has - it's just very unacceptable!!! 5-fuckingly-tedious interviews, and a couple of computer-based exams... you see, the recruitment process that applicants go through in my company, whose-name-I-won't-mention, isn't simple. With my experience, it's the hardest, I must say. We already proved ourselves during the application process!!! Bakit nagtanggalan pa???!!!

I liked my company - and i said I LIKED. It's in past tense. I don't want to feel this way since I work for them, but I just don't like what's going on - from the assessment to production to HR...all are getting arrggh. Out of 18 trainees, only 3 of us passed the first-take of the final assessment. Assessment palang may mali na! The three of us passed not because we're the best in the class, but we're just plain LUCKY. The people who assessed us, who happened to be team leads and OMs on the floor, were not calibrated with what they're supposed to do - walang set of standard for comparison. Each has his own "standard-of-excellence-shitness" that unlucky trainees have to meet. Iba-iba sila ng feedback sa mga perehong situations during the assessment. The one who assessed me, I believe, was an OM, and was just very easy to please. Yes, I passed not because I am good but because I was lucky that my assessor did not give me a hard time. When I'm with a new group of people in school, or, in this case, in the call center, I always assume that I'm the best...the fastest to learn...the most dead-set. Call it arrogance, but that's my way of adapting to a new environment. I always want to start things strong. But in my batch, I'd be really very arrogant if I say I am the best, because I'm not. I failed the pre-final assessment, and I was always sleeping during training. If there's someone who knows each one's capability - it's our trainer! Bakit ba kasi kailangang team leaders and OM pa ang mag assess sa trainees? Mabuti sana kung calibrated sila, mabuti kung nag-usap-uusap sila kung anong tama at mali, kung ano ang pwede sa hindi, kung ano ang magaling sa so-so, kaso hinde. Kanya-kanya sila ng ginamit na sistema - without even considering that we're just in training. Lahat naman ng process matututunan namin sa floor. Since we were just trainees, dapat basic grading system lang ang ginamit nila. Bakit ako nagagalit? Kasi kung pagalingan lang sa "call-center-ability" ang labanan, there are people on the floor who are not supposed to be there!!! I have nothing againsts them. In fact, I am happy that they made it to production. Pero bakit yung mga kaibigan ko, hindi nila pinayagan? Fuck that! My friends are even way-way-way better than some of the agents I know! I've been in the call center industry for quite sometime now, and I can honestly gauge one's capability. Alam ko kung sino ang kaya at alam ko rin kung sino ang tagilid. My friends are good. I'm telling this not because they're my friends. I'm rooting for them because they are good...far better than others in my batch. Siguro nga wala ako sa lugar para magalit sa mga boss, dahil bago lang ako, and i should be happy because i made it to production. Pero, hindi kasi naging fair ang labanan. Nalulungkot talaga ako. ='(

For the mean time, I'll play the game. Live today, fight tomorrow. Sabi ng kaibigan kong si Jaime I need to detach myself from this issue. Management preroggative daw yon, at isa pa pumasa naman daw ako. He added, wala naman daw perfect na company, at wala ring perfect na employee. Pero basta, masama parin ang loob ko. Hindi patas ang naging labanan.

Bilib na bilib pa naman ako sa kumpanya ko dati, I was so proud being part of it, lalo na sa free iced-tea and juices nila, but now...arrgghh. I find myself suddenly anti-my-company (whose-name-I-won't-mention-for-now)

HYPERTENSION AND A BROKEN HUMERUS

What a great way to start the month: (1) I have a Stage-2 Hypertension and my doctor won't give me a fit to work med cert because of some pending lab results and (2) My sister got into a motorcycle accident with her "good-for-nothing" boyfriend.

My sister is not doing good. She broke her left arm's humerus and she has bruises all over her body. Mind you, she BROKE her bone, it's not dislocated nor a minor fracture. Just imagine splitting a chocolate-wafer-stick into two - that's how it looks like. She's scheduled for operation tomorrow noon, metal plates will be used to reconnect her broken bone, and the healing process might take upto 3-4months. Arrgghh. Awang-awa ako sa kanya... :-(

Oh, her boyfriend? He's perfectly fine - just a small bruise on his elbow. Malakas pa sa kalabaw. Great. I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!

Welcome-Back-Yffar!

Update...update...update.

Whoalla! I think I deserve a Welcome-Back-to-Yffarsworld banner here! Haha! Arrgghh. I'd been away from blogosphere for a few weeks and some days. Yeah, I'd been away and the thought of writing something on my blog just hit me today. Reason for my absence? Well, I've been really very busy at work. My new sched starts at 4 in the morning, till 1 in the afternoon. Arrggh. Yep, and I think that deserves another as-painful-as-a-pain-in-the-ass arrggh. I have to leave for work before midnight, and just sleep in the office for two hours, before my shift starts. There's curfew in our village from midnight till 4am, and I just really don't get it - whatever effing reason the homeowners' association has. Not everyone works during the normal hours of the normal day, ok???!!! Whores like us have rights too!!! Ef you all!!! You see, I've been spending more than 60 percent of my day's entirety in the office, and that really takes away a huge slab of all my potential and kinetic energies. Watdapak.

BTW, I got an email from a call center accusing me of telling untruthful facts in my blog about their company. That's also the main reason why I temporarily lost appetite in writing another entry here. They wanted me to remove their company's name from my other post. Wooohaha. I said there's no way I will do that. I never received another email from them after my response. I do not wish to pick a fight nor go through any tedious legal process that they were talking about in their email...but they're free to do what they want. I didn't do anything wrong - and besides, this is just a blog. Just a blog, to make it clear.

Another sad news: I wasn't really feeling great at work this past week. I lost two of my bestest friends in my tranche - Kuya Boy and Jay. Wait, they're still alive, ok - in case you are thinking of something else. They had to go through another training with another tranche. What happened wasn't really a good thing for someone who has almost-zero social life like me. Yeah, I was really sad. They're my closest friends in the world's local bank and now I had to start working in a new schedule without them. But I told them TL Mark and I will wait for them in the production, and sure we will. Same goes to Mami Jean and Drey. Waah, we miss you guys! X(

Here's a picture of me with my bestest friends in the world's local bank: Kuya Boy, Jay, and Mark. Note: I may look older than my age but these guys, who appear with me in the picture, are way way older than me. Ok? The youngest of the 3 is Mark and I believe he is 8 or 9 yrs older than me. Just do the math. Wahaha, defensive ba masyado? Teee heee heee! XD What's important is that we're all young at heart and we share the same passion and preference in alcohol. Wooo hooo! XD

Update:
You're probably askin where the pic is. I deleted it, sorry . Narealized ko ang taba ko pala sa pic eh, hehehe. Tsaka na, pag medyo pumayat na ako. XD Teee heee heee! XD The pics are in my facebook account anyway.

Inaantok na ako. Time to hit the sack. Byerts.

Speaking in Paradoxes

Yeah yeah yeah, I am better now! Woo hoo!!! I am better this way, and tell you what, I just keep on getting better each day!

Things are doing good at work. My account is quite complicated, arrgghh, but I expect not to get clients with very little refinement (or maybe get just a few...just maybe...and I hope it's really just a few) like the ones I used to talk to when I was still with that crappy US telecom company. Wait, why do I keep on calling my previous account a "crappy-US-telcom-company"? Err, sorry. For the benefit of my CVG colleagues whose loyalty are dead-set to that telecom-company, I shall stop calling it as such. XD

I am getting along oh-so-very-well with my new colleagues now. Shite! That's another leap for my social development! My doctor will sure be proud of me! XD Teee heee heee!!! I do not normally talk to new people, and my friends know it. I, most of the time, shrink from social contacts and preoccupy myself with my own thoughts. When I was still new in CVG, during break time, I remember I used to spend my time alone, puffing on a cigar or two in one corner outside the building, semi-totally ignoring my colleagues. My first few conversations with them were like of retards. They begin it with Hi and I end it with Hello. Boring. I was only talking to Lucky and Chris on our first two weeks, then I started talking to Tobey and Bryan on the third and fourth week - the others I find not worthy of my time. I only started liking everyone in my wave when I finally went out with them for a drink and when we started taking calls together- yeah! Our alcohol preferences brought me closer to them. Teee heee heee! XD. Honestly, they're one of the bestest friends I ever had. Okay, I'm not really sure if the word bestest exists in the English Dictionary, but for now please give me the privilege to use it to express my feelings for my CVG colleagues in the superlative degree: They're one of my bestest friends!!! XD Wooo hooo! Oh - wag lalaki mga ulo nyo. I think you should all take me to Starbucks one day because I consider you my bestest of friends! Harhar! o_O

I am better now, but there are still moments when I can't help but feel sad. Well, yeah...it's always like this. ^_^ But I'm better this way. I'm getting better each day. I realized that the only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs - the ones who truly value me as a person, the ones who recognize my worth. I just want to be happy and I think I am getting there. Now getting something useless would only get in the way, so I decided to leave some extra baggages behind - the ones that I used to treasure, I found out, do not really hold meaning in my life. I never expected that a simple phrase of few words that equals to NO would take the load I've been tryin to carry off my shoulders. I thought I don't know how to give up, and I thought I will never know when to give up, but it happened. They say that when a door closes, a window opens - if that happens, then it's time that you jump out! But then again, it depends on which floor you're on. Harhar!XD What happens next is either some broken bones, or you being dead. Hahaha!

Arrgghh, what am I talking about? As usual, I can't keep up with my own craziness. o_O

And yeah, this blog is all about me. ALL ABOUT ME. Check this blog's title and you'll find my name spelled backwards on it. So yeah, this small space in the cyberspace is all about me and my pathetic alter ego, but never accuse me of being self-centered. You may really think you get it, but it's not the same as actually getting it. Get it? Someone who never really cared about me need not say anything about my life. No one has the right to define or give meaning to what's going on in my life but myself. No one. Nada. Zilch. I am moving forward.

AFTERWORD for you:
This is my life. It's up to you if you still want to be part of it, or not. I wanted you to be part of my life forever, but with me moving forward and you ignoring me, it's just wishful thinking. I need you, but I really don't. Now I'm speaking in paradox again.

Whoa phaking shite! I started this entry with a positive "I-am-better-now" inspirational shitness but I am ending it under gloom. Come to think of it... I really like speaking in paradoxes.

LONGING

Treat me like a goddamn shit

or

treat me well...

I don't care

I just need a bit

of

your

attention

.

.

.

WHEN DOING NOTHING BECOMES A JOB

Whoa!

It's rest day alas! Yeabah!!! XD Shit. A week of doing nothing but pronouncing words...focusing on the soft and hard /th/ sound, and the sort of, and studying a few of product information, give me nothing but shits for molds in my brain to feed on. I sometimes find it boring (rate of 6 out of 10), but I must admit I enjoy being in training. And hey, I'm getting paid! I was born lazy. And I get tired easily. And I am depressed most of the time. That's the problem when you are lazy and when you've got nothing better to do: you tend to lose your focus and you start neglecting the good things around you. But am I really missing a lot? Ah-ah. I don't think so.

My trainer asked me to write a letter, and explain my two days of absences the other week. I wrote it in a jiffy. I came up with a two-paged-non-sense explanation and it only took me less than 15 minutes to scribble everything. It could have been faster if I had my laptop with me and typed it in Microsoft Word instead of writing it on a paper. I got sick. Literally. I know I used to make-up stories of me having gastroenteritis, hypertension, ulcer, etc... to my previous employer. But my sickness last week is real. Unscheduled. Not planned (I know people who can schedule sickness as desired depending on the need. Tee hee. XD) I know how crucial attendance is in our line of work, especially at present time, considering the fact that I'm still in training. Absenting myself is the last thing I'd do (well, not now. maybe when we hit the floor...huwahahaha! XD just kidding. My trainers might get to read this, hehe.). And why would I choose to be absent when I'm geting paid by doing nothing??? I have had fever since Tuesday of last week, but I opted to report to work on Tuesday and Wednesday nights depsite my condition, hoping that I'd feel better the following day. Unfortunately my fever went up and reached its peak on Thursday. And that was it...I really needed rest. I hate writing, literally. So writing that excuse letter was really a drag. I remember when I was in highschool, all my notebooks were almost always empty. The only time my notebooks get something on them is when and during end of every school quarter. That's when teachers check the students' notebooks. But I never failed a subject, ok, just in case you are wondering. I had always been part of the honor section when I was in elementary and highschool but serious studying was never my forte. I'd rather play with my friends outside than study when I'm home. Had my parents forced me to study real hard, malamang may honor ako nung highschool. Naks. Ang yabang. Haha. I'm not even impressed with most of my classmates in highschool (ang yabang talaga, XD). Intellectually, I can honestly say I am far better than most of them. But of course it is always easy to sound and make yourself appear intellectual, hahaha. Pa-intellectual kahit hindi naman intellectual, kumbaga. Marami dyan. Kagaya ko. Teee heee heee! XD

First two weeks of training is done. And to be honest, I just want to be in training forever. Who wouldn't enjoy it: you're getting paid thousands of cash for doing nothing. You just need to stay awake, sit, read, study a bit of process information and bum inside the training room. And then dyaran! You have cash to withdraw from your atm card on the 30th. Easy money, it is. Unlimited coffee is available in every corner of every floor in the building, allowing us to guaff the necessary caffeine we need to stay awake. But happy days have ending. So after another month and some days, real job begins. Arrgghh.

Admit or not, we all like feeling superior in some ways... be it in school, in the office, in the Network Diner, or even in small conversations with our colleagues and friends. We sometimes get this feeling of hey-you've-got-to-listen-to-my-great-idea-blah-blah-shit-blah. Even in videoke bars (oh god, i miss my CVG friends)...wether you admit it or not, you sometimes (if not most of the time) want to keep the microphone in your hand and kick the competitors out the videoke boothe. Come on, admit it! Call it arrogance, but usually when I'm with a new group of people, let's say in school, or on the first day of work in a call center, I usually assume that I am the best, the most dead-set, the most well-informed, and the fastest to learn. O sya sya sya, mayabang na kung sa mayabang. But that is how I best adapt to my new surrounding. Hindi ko rin naman pinagsasabi, I only keep it to myself, so hindi mo rin pwedeng sabihin na mayabang talaga ako. Humility is beauty! - as Serg and Chris always say. Haha. I always start strong in everything I do. But most of the time it's only in the beginning. As days go by, I start fucking things up. I'm hoping not to do the same in my new job. Haaaay. We had an assessment earlier, technically it was yesterday's shift. I was quite disappointed because my trainer only gave me a grade point of 2; 1 being the highest and 5 the lowest. 1 means it's a flawless call. 2 is excellent. 3 means so-so. 4 is fail. And 5 means you-go-home-and-cry-and-apply-somewhere-else. I did good in the assessment, i know, and my trainer confirmed that. She said my call was great. But she didn't give me a perfect score because I kept on addressing her, the mock customer, by the first name. She said I should've used the callers last name and made the conversation more formal. And yeah, I agree to that. I forgot I'm with an international bank now and not some lousy telcom company in the US.

My trainer asked me during the assessment. If I were to write a book, what would I title it, and why. Oh my, not again...I told myself. I'm really tired of being asked stupid questions like that. I have had enough of that shit during the application process. But there's really not much I can do. She's the trainer, and I'm the trainee. Comply comply comply, or just resign and jack-off. Geez. I said I'd title it Yffar's World, then she frowned and gave me a "what-a-crappy-title-you-have" look. Harhar. Nah, I really didn't care. I told her my book would be a compilation of my blog entries. It would be a personal but not-so-personal book about anything that I think is worth writing about.

I like my new company, and my colleagues. And my trainers are good. They're all nice, so far. I try to be friendly as much as I can. But you really cannot please everyone. And I don't want to exert extra effort neither. I don't talk to people who don't talk to me. Yeah... snob the snobs!

Oh god, we need to be in business attire on Monday. Big boss is coming. Arrgghh.

Enough blathering. I'm going to bed.

The Swine Flew (Lumipad ang baboy)

Galing dito ang larawan

achooooo....
(and more cough and sneeze)

I have had fever since Tuesday night and it was only today that I finally felt a-bit-ok. Fever is gone but I still have mild cough. Only thing that I am concerned about is my attendance at work. I'm new in the company but because of my unscheduled sickness (i know someone who can schedule sickness as desired, wuhahaha) I had to absent myself from work and miss two days of training. Now I don't know what's going to happen next. I did went to work Tuesday and Wednesday night though I have fever. This is funny, two of my colleagues were avoiding me because they know I have fever. Mga takot sa h1n1, haha. But I really cannot blame them if they keep distance from me. They have babies, and i know how senssitive babies are even to ordinary viruses. So yea, I never really felt bad when Katrabaho no.1 said. "oy, lumayo ka kay raf, baka makakuha ka ng virus kawawa baby mo..." at sabay ditansya naman ni Katrabaho no.2. Hindi rin sya nakatiis at lumipat din sya sa kabilang bench malayo sa akin after 2 minutes. Di naman ako ganun ka insensitive so ako narin mismo ang umalis sa grupo. Hmmp. Di ako galit, nagtatampo lang. Haha.

I try to say goodbye and I choke

Try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

wala lang, tamang LSS lang.

Arrgghh...

So what happened to swine flu now? Ayun, a(H1N1) na sya. As of July 06, our country has 1709 reported h1n1 cases according to WHO report. Hindi pa dyan kasama yung mga taong ayaw umamin na may h1n1 sila (hindi ako kasama don, ok.)

Belle sent me a message yesterday askin me if I got the virus. "Oi, ano na may ets wan en wan ka na rin ba?" Waaah...Kung may h1n1 ako, hindi ko rin naman aamnin. Baket kamo?

• Una, kung meron man akong virus, magiging responsible carrier ako. (magtatakip ako ng bibig pag mag-aachoo para di kumalat ang virus sa aking paligid) :)
• Ikalawa, kung h1n1 man nga ang taglay kong lagnat, hindi ako natatakot dahil kinokonsider ko lang sya na weak and mild disease.

Yup!

Only one died out of more than one thousand cases here in the Philippines. And the casualty wasn't even due to h1n1 virus. I heard it was some cardiovascular-whatever-issue that killed the old lady infected with h1n1 virus. You see...there's really no reason to act paranoid about swine flu. Mas magpanik kayo kung matuto ngang lumipad ang mga baboy. In fact there's a greater chance of winning (parang raffle lang, bwahaha), este, of dying from dengue, malaria, and pneumonia than dying from h1n1. Any relatively healthy and normal adult can easily fight off the virus. The only ones at higher risk of dying from the virus are the kids (12yo and below ata) and the olders.

But just to be safe, at para narin hindi nyo sabihin na wala akong pakialam sa kalagayang pangkalusugan ng sambayanang Pilipino, I want to share this shit (o bahala ka kung ano man ang gusto mong itawag dito) i found from some website to everyone. This is an online "H1N1 Flu Booklet" prepared by the United Nations for its staff all over the world. O ha! San ka pa?! Just click on the link to know more about it. And how did I find this usefull piece of shit? Wala lang, napadaan lang ako sa website, at tsaka pramis, hindi ako kinabahan nung nagkalagnat ako. Hindi talaga! Pramis! Krosmayhart mamatay man kapitbahay naming kalbo.

I don't normally write in Filipino, pero mas masarap talaga magsulat sa Filipino. There really are a lot of thoughts funnier when said or written in our own language eh. There are just some hilarious Filipino phrases that will never catch the same attention when translated in English. Problema na ng mga dayuhan kong mambabasa kung hindi man nila alam ang sinasabi ko sa marami sa mga pangungusap dito.

Tinanggal ko na yung Followers Option ko sa gilid ng blog ko. Wala rin naman kasing gustong magfollow talaga eh, hahaha. How pathetic! :)) I know a few people who read my blog regularly, pero believe me guys, mas maaapreciate ko yung pagdalaw nyo sa site ko kung maglalagay man lang kayo ng kahit na anong komento on every post. Wag lang basa ng basa! Mag comment din naman para alam ko kung objectionable ba or entertaining or walang kwenta yung nilagay ko. Ooppss, speaking of comments, it only applies to posts like this ha. I mean, comment only to my not-so-personal-posts. May mga biglaang-posts kasi ako tungkol sa pribado kong buhay pag-ibig na bigla ko na lang naititipa pag lasing or bored o malungkot o napapraning ako. In posts like those, i prefer not to get any comment.

O sya. Matutulog na ako bago pa ulit dumalaw ang lagnat. May pasok na bukas. Huwag sana akong ilipat sa susunod na wave because of my absences. Pls pls pls...

HEART OF THE MATTER -Eagles

Speaking in Paradox

Got drunk last night, got home past 4am, and now I am feeling depressed again. Jeez...

Will I ever learn???

I hate you, but I love you. Arrgghh... I'm speaking in paradox now. No, I hate you. But I really love you. Just leave me alone...please.

[Insert Blog Title Here] - Dang, I'm too lazy to think of a good title.

Oh my... This is the third time Tobey asked me to go hiking with them. Waaahhh... Sorry Tobey. X( I really wanted to go but because of my limited financial resources and my new schedule at work on Monday, I had to say "pass" again on her invite. Arrgghh...

*pic grabbed from Tobey's wordgasm.com

They went to Mt. Arayat last week and now they're planning to go again to another large landform this weekend. Waaaah.... I'm fuckin-dying-to-join them. X(

I'm going to have my new schedule at work on Monday. Yeahbah! XD Yep, finally, after several months of bumming around and wasting a hundred thousand of cash, I am back in the call center whoring business. Pffft. Time to be serious now. This time I will make sure I'd be saving money so I can go back to school next year. My classmates who copied on me during exams are now engineers working in big companies. Waaaa....Those gadammadapakers! They don't deserve it!!! They're all nothing but intellectually challenged and mentally deranged creatures pretending to be good in mechanics and thermodynamics!!! Yes, they're all retards and douchebags and they all deserve to die!!! (haha... It's just me being bitter.XD) It's not really their fault I was left behind. It was my choice - one of the stupidest and idiotically pointless things I did in my life. And so, I want to go back to school again. I need to catch up and make something useful out of my existence. And believe me, I am dead-serious now [insert dead-serious stare here]. Mapua, I'm going back soon!!!

Well, nothing's new about me aside from having a new job (smile). I'm still the same tedious and 50%-self-esteemed-guy-slash-emo-kid who keeps on fucking things up. I don't know, but most that I do ends up a disaster. My intentions are good but then I always fuck things up in the end. Was it really me to blame, or am I just born unlucky? Ohmygoodness!

It has been a while since I last went to church. And when I say "a while" that means a very looooong time. Maybe last year was the last [insert act of sign of the cross here]. I can say I am going thru this so-called spiritual dryness. Hmmmm...and now you ask me what the fuckin heluva shit is that? At present time I honestly don't know what to believe. I'm somewhere in the middle, or let's say I'm currently in the grey area; not in black nor white. Does that makes sense? Pfft...

At present time I see my life as a flat line with no options. Ooppss, sorry, I do have now. Remember, remember, remember, I'm gonna finish my mechanical engineering degree and earn big money and everything else will follow! Teee heee XD. That's the only option I'm willing to take for now. I'm really tired of my life but I have no other choice but to live. Well, I say I have no other choice because there are still people who wants me alive; like my family, my boss at work, my friends, my two lovely dogs, and the parasites living in every cell of my nutrient-rich body. I'm no longer happy living my life but I have embraced the fact that people around me wants me breathing (so they have a medium for comparison on how lucky and capable they are compared to me... geez) and I have made that my sole purpose of living. What a drag! Had my parents left me on the street after I was born, I probably had killed myself the moment my rational mind was developed.

AFTERWORD:
I am making these commitments to everyone who gets to read this post.

1. I will not kill myself.
2. I will finish my degree and top the Mechanical Engineering Board Exam! And...
3. I will determine whether I belong to black or white; spirituality wise, ok.
4. I will be happy! (my gawd, how can I forget. Include being happy to the 3 original commitments above.) XD

Taddaah! I swear these to you and to all your maddahpaking gods!

Well, I know my Lord will help me. XD Teee heee! XD